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A LITTLE OF THIS…A LITTLE OF THAT...AND SOME LAUGH LINES FROM A VERY FUNNY MAN (4/20/21)

EVERYBODY CHEER. BERNIE’S DEAD


Were you as happy as I was last week to learn Bernie Madoff died?


Bernie, the pig, ruined the lives of many people, including a number of my friends.


I don’t think we should allow Bernie to be forgotten.


I think every year on April 14th, the anniversary of Bernie’s death, we should put financial people to “The Bernie Test.”


Everyone should call their money manager, financial planner, accountant, bookkeeper, banker etc., etc.


First say, “Hello.” Then identify yourself and whisper, “Bernie Madoff. Bernie Madoff. The ghost of Bernie Madoff is watching you.”


If your financial person is honest, as 99.9% of them are, they will laugh.


If they don’t laugh, they’re stealing from you – fire them.


UNION FALLS ON ITS FACE


A recent article in the Wall Street Journal tells how an attempt by labor organizers to unionize an Amazon facility in Alabama failed.


The Amazon workforce, which is 85% black, turned them down by a 2-to-1 margin.


Workers said they were satisfied with the pay, benefits and working conditions at Amazon.


Good for them.


Whenever I think of Amazon I think of dopey Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who pushed against Amazon and caused it to cancel its plans to build a second headquarters in Queens and hire 25,000 workers.


25,000 workers lost a chance to for a good job with wonderful benefits because of one incredibly stupid, ambitious, socialist woman.


Being a socialist is bad enough. Being a dumb socialist is murder.


New York City is hurting right now with an unemployment rate that is 12.9%. That’s double the national unemployment rate of 6%.


AOC felt that it was better for New Yorkers to be unemployed and hungry than to have good, well-paying jobs working for an employer like Amazon.


That makes 25,000 people who will always be able say they got screwed by the beautiful Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.


RE-NAMING A JEEP AFTER A FAMOUS PALEFACE


So the Cherokee nation says it’s time for automaker Jeep to stop using the tribe’s name on its Cherokee and Grand Cherokee models.


They can’t change the name to the Jeep Sioux because the Sioux will sue.


OK…OK...I say if they can’t use an Indian er…er…a Native American name, let’s have Jeep use the name of someone who has been connected to Indians since 1876, long before they were named Native Americans.


Connected? Hell, they killed him. George Armstrong Custer was killed by the Sioux in the battle of Little Bighorn.


So why not change the name of the Jeep Cherokee to the Jeep Custer.


“What are you driving?”


“I used to drive a Jeep Cherokee, but these days I’m driving the car named after a dead Indian fighter. I drive the Jeep Custer.”


AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE


Steven Wright is one of my favorite comedians.


Recently on Facebook a gentleman named Jon Florer printed many of Steven Wright’s laugh lines.


Here are a few of my favorites.


The Quotes of Steven Wright:

1 - I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

9 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

10 - How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

11 - I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

12 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

13 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

14 - My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

15 - If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

16 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

17 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

18 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

19 - If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the line that will always be my favorite:

20 - Why didn’t Tarzan have a beard?



-If you wish to comment on "Jerry’s Ink" please send your message to jerry@dfjp.com

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