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  • Writer's pictureJerry Della Femina


Hi, little guy. I’m so happy to know you.

I’ll call you Teddy VIII because you’re my eighth grandchild.

You’re three days old, so I guess you’re old enough to be told what’s going on in your new world. To begin with, there’s a guy named Trump who’s president of the United States and he’s telling a lot of lies and is making a mess of everything he touches.

Worse, there’s a Democrat named Elizabeth Warren who may be running for president against Trump in 2020 and she’s a loony who wants to destroy everything this country stands for.

If she has her way as president she will take over banks, insurance companies, corporations and hospitals, and that will kill millions of jobs overnight.

Elizabeth Warren is a communist in a socialist’s body.

Sorry little guy, this is not a great political start.

There you were thinking you were just born in the greatest country in the world – the United States of America – and here are a couple of disgusting politicians turning it into Venezuela before you’re even a year old.

Now don’t be a baby and start crying. There are a lot of sensible people in this country who will work to keep all these creepy politicians from destroying your future.

Another piece of bad news: Can you believe on the day you were born some nightmare councilwoman named Carlina Rivera from Manhattan got the dopey New York City Council to ban the sale of foie gras.

I know this doesn’t mean much to you in your mother’s milk world, but foie gras is pretty great-tasting stuff, and this is just the beginning of the “Politically Correct Food Mafia” telling you what to eat and drink.

The next thing you know these politically correct idiots will try to outlaw truffles because those poor oppressed pigs have to put their noses into dirt to find them.

Now I won’t tell you about your mayor, Bill de Blasio, because you’re too young to have the kind of nightmares that this inept monster can cause you.

But enough about the bad stuff. Let me tell you about the good stuff.

You are loved.

You are so, so loved that your life is going to be magical and full of laughter and unlimited happiness.

Let’s start with your parents. You can’t find better parents than Jessie Della Femina and Ben Gliklich. They’re both brilliant, wonderful people and you’re their greatest prize.

You’re off to a great start because your parents are very smart.

They graduated Spence, Penn, Horace Mann, Princeton and do you know what that means? It means you’re going to inherit their smarts and, as I see it, you will be graduating from some great college with honors when you’re 14 years old.

Plus you have hundreds of aunts, uncles, cousins who can’t wait to see you, hold you in their arms and shower you with love.

And let’s talk about your grandparents.

Want to know how unusual you are?

I’ll bet you are the only newborn in the world whose grandfathers are both named “Jerry.”

Your dad Ben’s parents, Jane Salmon and Jerry Gliklich, are two wonderful, brilliant doctors. And your Grandma Jane is also a talented research scientist.

Then you have your mom’s mother, the beautiful Judy Licht, and you’re her first grandchild.

She is enchanted by you. Play your cards right and there will be tons of toys, clothes, trips to wonderful places and a life of being doted on by your Grandma Judy.

As for me, I’m sort of a wild card.

I will teach you about betting on football.

Every once in a while I will slip you some cash and I will tell you what I tell all my grandkids when I give them money: Don’t spend this money on anything that’s practical or sensible.

I will also give you a great love for food and wine and if I’m still around, I want to take you on an overnight trip to Paris, where the two of us will go to L’Atelier de Joël Robuchon, 5 rue de Montalembert, and we will feast on a ton of foie gras and truffles and…and…and…

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