Where are you going?
I don’t know. We’ve been sitting here for two hours, I think I want to go into another room.
Do you want me to come with you?
Er…er…I don’t know, maybe you’re happy here.
Does that mean you want to be alone?
No…no…it doesn’t mean anything. I just want to sit for a few hours in what, a few years ago, would have been called the library, but is now called the family room.
Do you really want to be alone in the family room? Don’t you love me?
No…no…I love you. It’s just that we haven’t been out of each other’s sight since March 13, 2020.
Are you tired of looking at me?
No, I’m not. I just wanted to walk 42 steps into another room alone. Who knows, after a while I may even want to walk into the kitchen.
Why, are you hungry? Do you want me to make you another toast?
No, I’m not hungry. I feel like I just want to walk a few steps.
All by yourself?
I don’t know anymore.
If you go into the family room, don’t put on the television. When you’re in this mood you talk to the television.
What’s wrong with talking to the television?
It means you’re tired of talking to me. Last Wednesday you were alone in the family room for two minutes and you screamed at the television and called the groundhog Punxsutawney Phil a lying son-of-a-bitch. Your scream scared the dogs.
I know I lost it, but Punxsutawney Phil made me mad. He will never admit when he’s wrong. He’s the Anthony Fauci of groundhogs.
This time he said we were going to have six more weeks of winter. I can’t stand it. When it comes to groundhogs I’d rather hear from Staten Island Chuck, who said we were going to have an early spring.
If there is a God, he or she will listen to Staten Island Chuck.
I don’t know why you want to be alone, you’re much calmer when we’re together.
OK, just let me go into the family room alone for two minutes and if I feel I need you, I will call you on your phone and tell you how I’m feeling.
Do that. Don’t yell from room to room. It scares the dogs and it’s hard for me to hear you.
That’s funny, you always heard me years ago. Is it your hearing?
No, you’re older now. And your yell isn’t as loud as it used to be.
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A FEW SLIGHTLY OFFENSIVE JOKES
What follows are some jokes I’ve collected from the internet.
There’s something here to offend everybody.
Woke idiots, MeToo women, the handicapped, dwarfs, etc.
Note: the reason that most of the jokes here are about Jewish men and women is that they come from a wonderful site on Facebook called Jewish Humor. I’m their token Italian.
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Goldstein and his bride are lying in bed together in bliss after consummating their marriage.
Goldstein finally turns to his bride and asks, “Dear, was I your first?”
“Of course you were, Goldstein,” she replies. “Why is it you men always ask the same question?”
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It’s perfectly OK to talk to yourself.
And it’s perfectly OK to answer yourself.
But it’s totally sad that you have to repeat what you said because you weren’t listening.
-Joe Greenwald
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I slept through half of the movie Little Women. My wife, the beautiful Judy Licht, loved loved loved it. It’s the chick flick to end all chick flicks. I was disappointed from the beginning when I found out Little Women wasn’t a politically correct movie about female dwarfs.
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Ben had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So Ben stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. Ben figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.
Once outside, Ben stood up but fell flat on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door, Ben stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed Ben tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife Nancy standing over him shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!”
“What makes you say that?” Ben asked, putting on an innocent look.
Nancy replied, “The pub called – you left your wheelchair there again.”
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David and Morris grew up in the Bronx borough of New York City and were fast friends. As fate would have it, David studied at a seminary and became a minister. Morris went to a Yeshiva and became a rabbi. Over time, David married Nancy and Morris married Sara. Both couples had children and grandchildren, and they were very close.
After 50 years of love and laughter, Sara passed away. Morris was inconsolable. He withdrew from friends and family and shut himself away in his home. David was distraught. He had no idea what to do for his friend. Then he had an inspiration.
A few days later, there was a knock on Morris’ door. When he opened the door, there standing before him was a beautiful young woman. “Your friend David sent me over to cheer you up,” she said. She walked in and began to disrobe. Morris was furious. What could his old friend have been thinking?
He turned and picked up the phone and called David. “How could you!” he shouted. “I am so angry with you! Such an insult to my dear wife! I will have to think about whether we can still be friends.” And he slammed the phone down.
As he turned around, he saw the young lady beginning to put her clothes on. “Excuse me, young lady, what are you doing?” The woman, considerably embarrassed, said, “Considering the circumstances, I thought it best if I left.” And Morris replied,
“Why? I’m not mad at you.”
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Sam and Rebecca met on a singles cruise and Sam fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they both lived in Philadelphia, only a few miles apart, Sam was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Sam had taken Rebecca to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies and museums. Sam became convinced that Rebecca was indeed his soul mate and true love.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Sam took Rebecca to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Sam said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you. I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it’s only fair to warn you: I’m a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep and breathe golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say so now!”
Rebecca paused, then responded, “Sam, that certainly won’t be a problem. I love you as you are but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I’ve been a hooker.”
Sam paused for a while then said, “It’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”
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Two rabbis were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.
“I didn’t sleep with my wife before I was married,” said one of them self-righteously. “Did you?”
“I don’t know,” said the other. “What was her maiden name?”
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And finally, a word from Joan Rivers:
Don’t talk to me about Valentine’s Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.
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