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  • Jerry Della Femina

AN APOLOGY TO ALL THE PEOPLE I WISHED A HAPPY NEW YEAR IN 2021 (1/4/22)

All my life I’ve tried to stay away from negative people. Now, in 2022, I will stay away from positive people.


The world has turned upside down. An old guy like me is sneaking out of the house and my kids are yelling at me to stay indoors!

This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars and it’s keeping men at home!


Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller at my Bank of America branch wearing a mask and asking for money.


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MY BIGGEST DISAPOINTMENT OF 2021


I voted for Joe Biden to be my president and I got Bernie Sanders.


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THE WORST PEOPLE OF 2021


AOC, dopey Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez; horrible Ex-Mayor Bill de Blasio; Ex- Governor Andrew Cuomo; Bernie Sanders; Marjorie Taylor Greene; the disgusting, annoying Caesers betting guy in those horrible “gamble until you go broke” commercials; Mitch McConnell; Ted Cruz; Charles Schumer; Nancy Pelosi; the entire slow-moving CDC; the entire even-slower FDA.


Dishonorable mention: Donald Trump.


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MY HERO OF 2021


Joe Manchin.


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THIS IS FROM 2021. I HOPE IT DOESN’T CAUSE A PROBLEM IN YOUR MARRIAGE.


But first a Rodney Dangerfield joke.


Dangerfield: My wife and I were in bed trying to have sex, but nothing was working. Finally, I turned to her and asked, “What’s the matter, can’t you think of anyone else either?”


What I’m about to reveal is word-for-word true.


A few months ago I was driving in my car with a male acquaintance of mine. The subject of marriage came up. My friend, who has been married for 12 years, revealed to me that lately he’s been feeling like he is “cheating.”


“What do you mean you ‘feel’ like you’re cheating?” I asked.


“Well, ever since I got married to Jane [not her real name], whenever we have had sex I have fantasized that I was with a woman who works in my office.”


“You have fantasized about this other woman for 12 years?”


“Yes,” he replied.


“And now you finally feel unfaithful for doing that?” I asked incredulously.


“No,” he answered. “The fact is that for the last few weeks I’ve stopped fantasizing that I’m with the woman from my office, and now I’m fantasizing that I’m with this beautiful woman who just joined my golf club, and so I kinda feel that I’m being unfaithful to the woman I’ve been fantasizing about for the last 12 years.”


If you are a woman reading this, don’t make the mistake of asking a man if this is true. He will assure you that it is certainly not true of him. Don’t believe it.


Men lie.


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DON’T BOTHER TO READ THIS UNLEES YOU’RE A LONG-SUFFERING FOOTBALL GIANTS FAN


I have heard from a good source that our football Giants are planning to sign Antonio Brown to a $25 million one-game contract to play quarterback next Sunday against Washington in the final game of the season.


Coach Joe Judge, who thinks he can explain anything to save his job, plans to say: “Yes, we know Antonio Brown is crazy, but it’s clear to anyone who knows football that you have to be crazy to be a quarterback on the New York Giants, a team that has what may be the worst, weakest, most untalented offensive line in the history of professional football.


“You have to be crazy to know that the minute the center gives you the ball you have less than two seconds before two 300-pound guys each grabs one of your legs, makes a wish and runs off in a different direction.”


The only problem with this signing is that Antonio Brown, fresh off of stripping down last Sunday, is insisting on playing completely in the nude. Brown says he needs the freedom, so he can throw the ball 30 yards and run to catch it himself. So far, Giants owner John Mara says he believes that Brown can throw a pass and run and catch it himself.


When asked why he believed this Mara said, “If you believe that Mike Glennon is a quarterback, then you are ready to believe anything.”


At last report Brown has agreed to wear an official New York Giants loin cloth, but insisted the Giants pay him an additional $5 million. Brown said that in a gesture of good will he will agree to sing the National Anthem on the Giants’ opening day next year wearing an American flag loin cloth.


Brown told a reporter from the New York Post, “If you think I’m crazy, what do you think of these idiots who pay me millions of dollars to catch a few footballs before I put on my nut act?”




-If you wish to comment on "Jerry’s Ink" please send your message to jerry@dfjp.com

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