Mr. President, I want to say thank you for giving me this interview. You must be so busy with the war in Ukraine.
BIDEN: War is horrible, but let me tell you about when I was fighting on Heartbreak Ridge during the Korean War and my squad leader went down and I jumped out of my foxhole and yelled to the troops behind me, “Let’s go! Follow me! I’m in charge here and I’ll lead you to victory!”
ME: The Korean War? I’m confused. That ended in 1953 and you were only 11 years old.
BIDEN: Er…yes, but I was big for my age and I pasted on a fake mustache and convinced a recruitment sergeant that I was 18 years old.
ME: Er…er…er…maybe we should talk about inflation.
BIDEN: There’s nothing to talk about. It’s Putin’s fault. It’s Covid’s fault. It’s Adam Smith’s fault – he should have warned us about inflation when he wrote The Wealth of Nations in 1776. But I’ve been thinking about inflation a lot these days and now I know whose fault it is. It’s that son-of-a-bitch Tom Brady.
ME: Tom Brady? The football player?
BIDEN: Tom Brady. Do you know how much he makes a year? I guess over $100 million and he’s close to fifty years old.
So, here’s how I now think inflation started. Brady walked into a supermarket for a bottle of milk. Everybody in the store recognized him. The checkout girl…er…er…woman who was falling in love with Brady’s beautiful face made a mistake and charged him $5 for a lousy bottle of milk.
So Brady, a rich Republican, doesn’t care what he pays for milk and he walked out of the store happy. So the greedy store owners got an idea. If you can overcharge Tom Brady, why can’t you overcharge everybody? So they overcharged the next poor unemployed guy and the word went out, and word spread all over the country. Overcharge. Suddenly prices went up and inflation is now 8.5 percent and it’s not my fault. It’s Tom Brady’s fault.
But if there’s a president who can handle inflation it’s me, Joe the inflation fighter. I learned all about the economy when I was 14 and graduated from Wharton business school in one year with honors. Being modest, I haven’t told many people about that.
ME: Maybe we should change the subject. How about infant formula. You were told there might be a shortage in February and you didn’t do anything about it.
BIDEN: Wait a second, it’s not my fault.
ME: Whose fault is it?
BIDEN: It’s the fault of Republican women who refuse to breast feed their kids.
Good Democratic women breast feed their kids until the kids are five, six or seven years old.
Republican women don’t breast feed.
It’s a conspiracy. Republican women have been hoarding baby formula just to embarrass this administration.
But I say it’s tit for tat and the New York Times will soon break the story about a nation of Republican women using up every drop of baby formula to embarrass me.
That will show them that I won’t put up with their malarkey.
ME: So I guess you don’t take any blame for the mess we’re in. How about the insane high gas prices?
BIDEN: That’s the one thing that’s happening that I take credit for. In 2050 they will honor me as “Green Joe Biden,” the man who saved the world and put the energy companies out of business in the United States and put every American on a bike.
So we won’t be a world leader. So we will be a poor but proud socialist country. But under the capable presidency of brilliant Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez we will survive, thanks to the generous assistance and aid to keep us from starving we will receive from oil-rich countries like Ethiopia, Costa Rica, Liberia, Sweden, the Democratic Republic of the Congo and Somalia.
But let’s not stop on this note. Let me tell you how I single-handedly beat up a gang of vicious bikers when I was a sheriff in Abilene, Texas.
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Editor’s Note: Can our wonderful country survive after being led for eight years by two lying idiots?
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