GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU LAUGH, OR AT LEAST SMILE (5/11/21)
It’s spring. My mind is a blank. I can’t think of a thing to write, so here’s an old column about some funny things people have sent me on the internet. What I like about these jokes is that there’s something here to offend everyone.
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Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what’s your plan?
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“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
-George Carlin
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The following questions were in a GED examination. These are genuine answers (from 16-year-olds):
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. What does “varicose” mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. What does the word “benign” mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
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HISTORY’S WORST TYPO
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
So the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
“We missed the R! We missed the R!”
“We missed the bloody R!”
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old Abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies:
“The word was ...
CELEB R ATE!”
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An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Rather than purchasing a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to an entire sermon on the Ten Commandments.
After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously and said, “I want to thank you for saving my soul today, preacher. I came to church to steal a hat, but after hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided against it.”
“You mean the Commandment ‘Thou shall not steal’ changed your mind?” the preacher asked.
“No, the one about adultery did,” the old man said. “As soon as you said that, I remembered where I left my old hat.”
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An Inspirational Story:
Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament. At first I said, “Naaahhh!” Then they told me, “Come on, it’s for handicapped and blind kids.” Then I thought, “Sh*t – I could win this!”
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Here’s a locked-in-my-house-hiding-from-Covid-19-last-winter joke:
What a morning!
8:00: I made a snow man.
8:10: A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.
8:15: So I made a snow woman.
8:17: The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest.
8:20: The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snow men instead.
8:25: The vegans in number 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28: I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31: The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.
8:40: Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on.
8:42: I am told that the broomstick of the snow man needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter, “Yeah, if I shove it up your *#!”
8:52: My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.
9:00: I’m on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble during this difficult weather.
9:10: I am asked if I have any accomplices.
9:29: A little-known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.
Moral: When it’s this cold, stay inside.
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An Irishman’s First Drink with His Son:
While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub, only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness. He didn’t like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny. He didn’t like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like a Harp lager.
He didn’t. I drank it.
I thought maybe he’d like whisky better than beer, so we tried a Jameson’s. Nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland’s finest whisky.
He wouldn’t even smell it.
What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn’t like to drink, I was so sh*t-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!
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This Ought To Make All Grandpas Feel Warm and Fuzzy:
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa’s room.
“Grandpa, Grandpa,” she says excitedly, “as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”
“What?” said her Grandpa.
“Make a noise like a frog – because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disneyland!”
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What is celibacy? Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a marriage weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”
He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?”
Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn’t it?”
And thus began Frank’s life of celibacy.
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Some of the artists of the 1960s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the limbo as if it were yesterday. They include:
Bobby Darin – Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ a Flash
Herman’s Hermits – Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker
Ringo Starr – I Get By With a Little Help From Depends
The Bee Gees – How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?
Roberta Flack – The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash – I Can’t See Clearly Now
Paul Simon – Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver
The Commodores – Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Procol Harem – A Whiter Shade of Hair
Leo Sayer – You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations – Papa’s Got a Kidney Stone
Tony Orlando – Knock Three Times on the Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy – I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Leslie Gore – It’s My Procedure and I’ll Cry if I Want To
And last but not least: Willie Nelson – On the Commode Again
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