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  • Jerry Della Femina

HELP! THE CDC AND THE FDA ARE TRYING TO KILL ME (1/11/22)

I’m ready for another booster shot.


The problem is the CDC and the FDA are not ready to let me have another booster.


If I lived in Israel or Chile or China or many other countries, I would be able to get my shot this afternoon.


Not in this country. After 147 meetings and God knows how many proclamations, the fourth booster shot, if we’re lucky, will be available in the United States next May or June – right after Botswana.


Remember this column. If I die from Covid in the next few months, it’s the fault of the slow CDC and the even slower FDA.


I need another booster shot because I’m old…very old.


How old, you ask?


Let me put it this way: I’m so old that when I show up at a restaurant they don’t ask to see my proof of Covid vaccination.


They ask to see some proof that I got a Salk polio vaccine in 1955, 67 years ago.


I remember the day in 1955 when I drove my parents in my old 1948 Chevy to Coney Island Hospital to get our polio shots.


There was a mile-long line.


Everybody waited patiently for their shots. No one challenged the science. We listened to our doctors in those days.


We were a different country then.


We were Eisenhower’s children.


Polio had us all terrorized.


If you got it and died, you were lucky.


Worse, if you lived you would be paralyzed for life, living in a respirator, forced to watch daytime television.


The only treatment was something a nun named Sister Kenny had developed.


It involved applying hot pads on paralyzed legs, or something like that. I think Sister Kenny is a saint now, even though her treatment didn’t work.


My mother was so fearful of my getting polio that she had a list of home remedies to fight it off.


Her miracle drug against polio was garlic.


Yes, garlic. She hung a string of garlic cloves around my neck and my brother’s neck every day.


I realize now why we didn’t have that many friends.


Public water faucets were the places where the polio germs lurked, according to my mom.


Every day when I left the house to go to the park she would warn me not to drink from the “dirty” public water faucets. I listened to her and have not had a drink from a public faucet since I was 8 years old.


But that was the past, and today I would rather get Covid than listen to another commercial begging the vaccine-naysayers to get their shots.


I see at least 20 commercials a night begging these people to get their shots so “we all can be safe.”


What a waste.


What the people who are spending billions of dollars on useless commercials don’t understand is that the people who have vowed to never get a Covid vaccine are sure the vaccine will turn them into vampires or something worse.


Let’s give the money that’s being wasted on these stupid vaccine commercials to homeless kids and any other worthwhile charities.


Let’s leave the vaccine haters to live or die in peace.


If many of us were Eisenhower’s children, these are Trump’s children.


That’s why I’m against Biden’s mandates that threaten to take away jobs from hard-working people who won’t obey him.


Biden has been in the Senate for years and that means he has never had a job that required him to work for a living.


How dare any politician tell a working person he will take away their job if they don’t listen to him.


Biden has no idea what having a job means to those people who have to pay for his inflationary food and fuel prices.


I say let’s leave these people alone.


It’s their business if they want to get Covid.


I hope they all live forever, but if they get Covid and die, let’s look at the bright side.


That’s one less person to infect the people we love: you and me.


On the lighter side, here is something on old age I found on the internet that made me laugh:


1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9 pm is the new midnight.

4. It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say “the other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.

10. If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”

11. When you ask me what I am doing today and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

19. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.





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