Jerry Della Femina
I AM THANKFUL FOR... (11/24/20)
I AM THANKFUL FOR MY FAVORITE BOOK IN YEARS
I love to read and when I find a book I enjoy I want everyone I know to enjoy it, too.
This will be one of my all-time favorites. It just came out and it’s called “Garner’s Quotations: A Modern Miscellany” by Dwight Garner.
It’s sort of a literary “Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations” on steroids, with 264 pages and 10 wonderful quotes a page.
Want to see why you’ll love it? Here goes:
“Whenever a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies.”
“Fox News did to our parents what they thought video games would do to us.”
-Ryan Scott on Twitter
“Show me a woman who cries when trees lose their leaves in autumn and I’ll show you a real asshole.”
“We all had depression, but Bill was the only one who made money out of it.”
-Art Buchwald on William Styron
“They tell me that Mr. Hemingway usually kicks people like me in the crotch.”
“Between two evils I always pick the one I have never tried before.”
“When I was a kid I inhaled frequently. That was the point.”
“Never trust a fart. Never pass up a drink. Never ignore an erection.”
-Walter Cronkite’s rules for old men, via Roger Angell
“If you can’t annoy somebody…there’s little point in writing.”
I AM THANKFUL FOR OUR NEXT MAYOR
Since May 4, 1626, when Peter Minuit bought Manhattan for $24 worth of trinkets from the Native American tribe the Canarsee, there has never been a worse mayor than our current nincompoop Bill de Blasio.
The Indians knew when to get out.
Today $24 buys you the first half hour to park your car in a garage since, thanks to de Blasio, every parking space has been taken over by a million parked bikes that are for rent. Plus, you can’t drive since traffic is at a standstill because every street is down to half a lane.
The schools, which are fairly safe from Covid-19, are closed because de Blasio spends most of his spare time resting in the hip pocket of the teachers’ union, who want the schools closed.
And don’t try to take a subway because thanks to de Blasio, the subways are filled with homeless nut cases whose idea of fun is to push innocent people in front of oncoming trains.
Don’t try to walk the streets either, because thanks to de Blasio we have defunded our police and there are plenty of thugs with guns shooting at each other and their aim is lousy so a lot of innocent children have already been shot.
I have someone in mind to replace de Blasio and no, it’s not one of the current group angling for the job.
For one thing they all look too innocent and yes, they all are smarter than de Blasio, but the truth is I’ve had goldfish who were smarter than de Blasio.
My choice is a guy who is street smart. My choice is a guy who even spent a few months in the slammer.
So he’s rough and he’s tough and he’s ready.
My choice is the guy who enabled de Blasio to win in the first place.
He represented New York’s 9th congressional district from January 1999 until June 2011, winning seven terms as a Democrat and never receiving less than 60% of the vote.
My guy was going to be the next mayor and he was in the lead over de Blasio then he er…er…made the mistake of sending some er…er…pictures of himself on the internet, including at least one that was sort of sexually graphic. And there was this girl er…er…trust me this wasn’t the same as the Jeffrey Epstein thing. The only thing my guy laid a hand on was himself. My guy got blindsided by someone who was er…er…16 years old. It was a big misunderstanding.
But he did the time for the crime and he’s a better man for it.
I say let’s give a big New York welcome to the next mayor of our town:
The one and only ANTHONY WEINER.
But I’m not stopping there.
I say Weiner needs another great New Yorker as his press secretary, watching his back and, yes, his front too. When the job gets tough and Weiner needs a hand, who can give him a hand better than JEFFREY TOOBIN.
If Weiner and Toobin fail, I say let’s contact the relatives of the Native Americans who sold us this unmanageable place and let’s demand they give us our $24 worth of trinkets back.
I AM THANKFUL THAT I’M NOT STEPHEN MILLER
Vanity Fair described the monster that is Stephen Miller best:
“…With an orb-like forehead, funneling into a long, pale face; mistrusting, soulless eyes; and a petulant lower lip. Rarely has a face been such an apt illustration of the person inside.”
Clearly the most evil policy of the Trump administration was that of separating families at the border, including those with infant children. That policy somehow hit a new low when the Trump government couldn’t find the parents of 545 separated kids. These children, some as young as a year and a half, may never be reunited with their parents.
This was the vile policy of Stephen Miller. And Trump, to his everlasting shame, loved him.
I really don’t care what happens to Trump. Let him play golf for the rest of his life with that Charlie Brown look he has on his face these days. And when he pouts you can almost hear him thinking, as the line in the song “Charlie Brown” goes: “Why’s everybody always picking on me?”
I’m against putting Trump in jail as his political enemies are clamoring for. This is the United States and we don’t put our presidents in jail. We don’t put a man that 71 million Americans voted for a few weeks ago in jail.
This is not a second-rate dictatorship, it’s the United States, and we give our former presidents a pass.
But Stephen Miller is another story. I hope that he carries the curse of all the thousands of people he has hurt with him forever.
He will never find another Trump and so he will never have the sadistic power he has had for the last four years.
I hope the loss of this power and the sense that his day is over will turn into a poison that will invade his body and kill him.
Then I hope that the 545 separated kids who will never see their parents again will someday gather and dance on the monster’s grave.
ON THAT CHEERFUL NOTE, LET ME WISH YOU ALL A HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
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