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  • Writer's pictureJerry Della Femina


Who’s watching the Olympics besides a few billion Russians and Chinese?

I’ll tell you who.

Every four years my wife, the beautiful Judy Licht, along with every gay guy in the world, is glued to a television set watching figure skating during the Winter Olympics.

Figure skating events include a couple skating on the ice and doing weird acrobatics where the guy throws the woman – who’s wearing a skimpy outfit – up in the air.

She spins around like a top and then lands perfectly on the ice and avoids falling on her pretty ass.

The announcer has an orgasm. “Did you see that? He did a ‘Double Umloff,’ threw her like a rag doll and she did her famous ‘Horizontal Kuchicoo’ move, but she came down and lost her frozen smile for a fifth of a second and that will cost them a point with the judges.”

“Did you see that?” screams Judy? “It’s so wonderful! She’s half Jewish, you know. Or is it one of the skiers who’s half Jewish?”

Judy saves her loudest accolades for athletes who are Jewish – even someone who is only one-quarter Jewish will do.

“Oh, that’s wonderful,” I mutter, but when I think of this stupid event I think that somewhere up in Olympics heaven the Greeks who invented the real Olympics are throwing up.

The truth is the Super Bowl is over, I bet the Rams minus four points, and you know how that turned out.

Today I’m trying to adjust to life without football.

Next Sunday I will be a pathetic sight, stretched out on my sofa staring at a frigging boring golf match on television with a tear in my eye. That’s when I ask the question I ask every year: “Why don’t they allow tackling in golf?”

I mean, why don’t they allow a bunch of the other golfers to rush towards a guy when he is trying to make a putt. Here’s how it would work: The other golfers are at the edge of the green, at least 10 yards away, and the referee blows his whistle and the golfers take off yelling and waving their clubs. Now, they can’t touch the golf ball as it rolls, but if they can deck the guy before he gets his putt off, it’s allowed.

I’ll bet that would do wonders for golf ratings on television.

I guess this kind of thinking is what got me to concluding that it’s only February and I’m going to miss Tom Brady.

Frankly, it’s a bit strange and unnatural how much I already miss Tom Brady.

I already miss Tom Brady so much that I’m starting to worry that it’s like a Brokeback Mountain type of thing.

Next thing you know, I’m going to be dreaming about Tom Brady.

This scares me because it gave a whole new meaning to the term “fantasy football.”

With all of those horrible gambling commercials on television these days, I’ve decided the only way to get my mind off of Tom Brady is to bet on the Winter Olympics.

Where can I find the morning line for the Men’s Slalom?

Fact is, this is my usual “I hate the Winter Olympics” column.

First of all, there are too many foreigners involved with the Winter Olympics. Guys with name like Hans, Fritz and Olaf are beating guys with good old American names like Tom, Bill and Joe.

Why? Because these pushy foreigners have us competing against them in the sports they clearly do best. I’m talking about sports where you ski off the top of a mountain and there’s a good chance that when you land, if you’re lucky, all you’re going to do is break your fool neck.

Show me a sport that depends on guys jumping off of mountains on skis into snow and I’ll show you a sport that belongs in a country filled with suicidal depressives like Norway.

It’s disgusting that second-rate countries like Lower Slovenia, where the kids are born with skis on their feet (which, I might add, is the reason why every family in Lower Slovenia has just one child), are able to take gold medals away from the United States, which used to be, before Trump and Biden, the greatest country in the world.

I also object to the overt sexuality in the naming of Winter Olympics events. I have always thought that the “Men’s Giant Slalom” is a title more suited for a porno movie than an Olympic event.

As for the event they call the “Men’s Half Pipe,” I don’t even want to guess what that competition is all about.

And can someone please tell me when sledding became “The Luge”? Also, why does going down a sheet of hard ice, head first, at 70 miles an hour qualify you for a gold medal instead of a psychiatric examination?

When you come right down to it, the only event that a real American can really enjoy in the Winter Olympics is hockey. Heck, they don’t even have a football event, leaving out the only true winter sport in the United States where every Sunday 22 red-blooded American guys spend a fun-filled few hours beating the crap out of each other.

Gosh, I’m going to really miss that violence every Sunday.

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