I don’t know how to say this.
I hope all my friends will not desert me.
But I have to do this.
I’ve decided to become WOKE.
There are many reasons, but the most important one is when I am woke, no matter how stupid what I say may be, I will always think I’m right.
When you’re woke you are always right. Always.
And you have the New York Times, most media outlets, and the lefty chairmen and faculty of almost every college in the land on your side.
When you’re woke nothing is funny.
If it’s funny it is hurting someone, and we can’t have that in a woke society.
If you’re woke you can cancel movies because they may have a funny scene that you decide will offend people who are white, black, Indian (oops, I meant Native American), people who are too tall, too short, dwarfs, handicapped people, etc. etc…
The only people woke is against are Asian kids.
Not that they will ever admit that.
This is because Asian kids are smart, and they study and work hard and that puts them on the top of any school they attend and woke can’t have that.
This means people who may not work as hard, and may not be as smart, will not get a chance to be on the top of their school, and that’s just not fair to people who may not be as smart as Asian kids.
Alison Collins, a woke goddess from San Francisco, summed it all up when she tweeted and accused Asian-Americans of using “white supremacist thinking to assimilate and get ahead.”
So, the woke solution is to change and bend the rules so that mediocre always beats superior.
Now I know I’ve made fun of and probably insulted the woke queen, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
I have from time to time pointed out how incredibly stupid she is.
But now that I’m her woke comrade, I feel that I can match her in stupidity. In fact, she and I can have a stupid contest and I know I will be dumber even if I have to throw the contest.
I can feel a lot of stupid thoughts taking over my body as I write this.
Okay, if you’re wondering, what brought this all about is I realized the other day that woke is winning.
They have the greatest advantage. It is why they can’t be beat.
They are capable of changing history.
They just make up what they want the past to be and presto!, it becomes what they want it to be.
Statues are taken down and destroyed. Schools and buildings are renamed and history books re-written and the past is destroyed.
What shocked me was when two sweet, innocent kids, Jeff Zucker, age 56, and his girlfriend Allison Gollust, 49, were pushed out of CNN because they were involved in a consensual sexual relationship.
OH MY GOD.
If woke is coming after consensual sexual relationships, this means they plan to rewrite the history of the 1960s and the 1970s, when all of us were having hundreds of consensual sexual relationships.
We’re doomed. The day will come when woke will turn all those happy memories into a mush of oatmeal in our failing, fragile minds.
Maybe I’m ahead of my time. Maybe it’s my happy Italian heritage, but I’ve decided to surrender to woke.
Now that I’ve become a woke warrior…if we should meet and I appear to be even more self-righteous and full of myself than usual, I’m sure you’ll understand.
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OUR NEW MAYOR MIGHT AS WELL PUT HIS FOOT IN HIS MOUTH
Let me make this clear.
Up until now I thought New York’s new mayor, Eric Adams, was doing a great job.
He’s so much better than Bill de Blasio, the idiot he replaced.
However, that is not a good comparison.
It’s like saying Konrad Adenauer was a better chancellor of Germany than the man he replaced…Adolph Hitler.
I agree with everything Adams is trying to do about crime.
But I don’t agree with his wacky idea that New York City school kids should be fed vegan lunches.
Adams is a vegan himself. If I had known that I never would have voted for him.
Vegans can’t be trusted.
All those carrots and kale destroys their minds.
Feeding little school kids vegan lunches will deprive them of all the red meat, lamb chops, delicious greasy pork chops, mac and cheese, thick fatty cold cuts and stuff that will make them grow up to be strong, fat and feisty like us.
Without an unhealthy diet of tasty goodies, the next thing you know this generation of school kids will be lifelong vegans and will grow up scrawny, weak and woke.
They will say fatty foods and salt are causing climate change and they will ban them, and then what will you and I do?
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THE RE-MAKING OF A PRESIDENT
Do I have to say it again?
Yes, you do.
But I’ve said the same words, over and over, every night, for 16 days.
Look we didn’t screw up Afghanistan, you did. We’re just trying to save what’s left of your tattered reputation. This is working perfectly. We’ve got the press reacting like trained seals every night. It’s war…war…war every night on the news. No one is talking about your lousy inflation anymore.
So, call a press conference and once again tell the world that you predict the Russians are going to invade Ukraine in a few minutes.
I say that every night.
So, say it again tonight.
What do I say when they finally invade Ukraine?
You call a press conference and say, “See, I told you they were going to invade Ukraine.”
Then everyone will think you know what you’re talking about and maybe your ratings will start to come out of the toilet.
But what if Putin decides to pull his troops back and he doesn’t invade?
Then you call a press conference and you say, “See, I scared Putin by telling him about the sanctions.”
You’re in a can’t-lose position.
We’ve made you a wartime president and your country isn’t even at war.
We’ve even put Kamala Harris in the middle of the Ukraine situation, but from the looks of her, she’s hopeless.
She doesn’t need a makeover, she needs a priest.
We may have to start a rumor that Hillary will be your vice president in 2024 when you run against Trump.
What do I do then?
You hire a food taster.
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AND FINALLY, A JOKE
Sidney, an old man, 90 years old and a recent widower, decides to finally have one wild night before he dies…so he checks into a hotel room and he gets a number for a prostitute. He calls the number and explains very explicitly and graphically a list of sexual things he’d like to do. Then he asks the woman on the other end, “How does that sound?” She says, “That sounds fantastic, but you have to dial 9 for an outside number.”
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