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  • Jerry Della Femina

JUST A FEW DEPRESSING LINES AND THE REST IS ALL LAUGHS (6/21/22)

So, it’s time to accept the fact that kindly, old, doddering President Joe Biden is an incredible liar. Worse than certifiably crazy Donald Trump. Worse than Nixon. Worse than Rutherford B. Hayes. (Actually, I don’t know if Rutherford B. Hayes was a liar. I just like writing his name.) Biden is in a lying class by himself. Biden takes the blame for nothing. I expected him to say “I didn’t fall, the bicycle fell, and I went down to keep it company.” These days he’s blaming Putin for all our troubles. Let’s look at life in 2019, the year before Biden became president. U.S. inflation rate for 2019 was 1.81%. U.S. average retail gasoline prices in 2019 averaged $2.60 per gallon. In 2018, the U.S. became the world’s largest crude oil producer, producing 15% of global crude oil, surpassing Russia and Saudi Arabia. Our president, Crazy Donald Trump, was in the middle of a tender bromance with Vladimir Putin. It was a bromance of bullies. I’m sure that if Putin, at the time, had confided in his buddy that he was going to invade Ukraine, clueless, crazy, head-over-heels-in-love Donald would have replied, “Great idea, Vlad. Can I contribute some troops?” Then in 2020 along came Joe. He went to war on his first day in office…with the oil companies. And puff, we’ve lost our lead as an energy producer. These days he’s going hat in hand to the Saudis, begging them to pump up more oil. Next, he’ll go to Nicaragua and then Iran. He flooded our country with trillions of Covid dollars. Our inflation rate is 8.5%. A gallon of gas here in the Hamptons costs over $6. Liar Joe say Putin is doing this to us. Maybe this is Joe’s sly way of saying Putin is winning the battle against us. After looking at the mess this country is in Bill Maher just quipped, “Did we put sanctions against the Russians or did they put sanctions against us?” By the way, if you check like I did: A gallon of gas in Russia today costs $2.20. Thanks, Joe. ******************************************************** SOME THINGS TO PONDER AS WE AGE The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54. The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57. The world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41. The best soccer player in the world, Maradona, died at the age of 60. And then… KFC inventor died at 90. Inventor of Nutella died at the age of 88. Juan Nepomuceno Adorno, who invented cigarettes, died at 80. Richard Hennessy, founder of Hennessy cognac, died at 98. How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life? The rabbit is always jumping, but it lives for only two years. The turtle, which doesn’t exercise at all, lives 200 years. So, follow my advice: Take a nap. ******************************************************** One of my favorite sites is “Jewish Humor.” Here are some examples: On Passover we opened the door for Elijah. Now our cat is gone. Today I am a man. Tomorrow I will return to the seventh grade. Testing the warm milk on her wrist, she sighs softly. This will be perfect for him. But her son is 40. The Shiva visit: “So sorry about your loss. Now back to my problems.” Quietly murmured at Yom Kippur services: “Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.” Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness. ******************************************************** Some George Carlin quotes. I think I am; therefore, I am…I think. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear “27 months.” “He’s two” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff? Some people see things that are and ask, “Why?” Some people dream of things that never were and ask, “Why not?” Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that. When you step on the brakes, your life is in your foot’s hands.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.





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