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  • Jerry Della Femina

LARRY (1/26/21)

Larry King was Brooklyn.


Larry King was Lafayette High School.


He went to Lafayette High School years before I went, but whenever we met, Larry would say:


“Jerry, you have to come on my show and we’ll talk Lafayette. We have to talk about growing up in Brooklyn.”


Growing up in Brooklyn, we both agreed, was a great badge of honor for a person to wear.


Lafayette was a tough, gritty school filled with Italians and Jews from first-generation families struggling to make ends meet.


Learning at Lafayette ended for many of my Italian friends when they were 16 and they got their “working papers.”


Working papers were the beginning of a sentence of heavy lifting and pushing on construction crews, or shaping up on the docks, or driving a taxi 14 hours a day for the rest of their lives.


For some (most of the Jewish students), higher education meant spending another year or two and then, after graduating from Lafayette, more than a few of them went on to college.


Larry’s formal education ended the day he graduated Lafayette.


Thirty years ago, Lafayette held its 50th anniversary and they celebrated by honoring some of their successful students, including Sandy Koufax, Fred Wilpon, actor Paul Sorvino, Larry King…


I was lucky to be included in that group. No mention was made of my 58 average when I graduated from Lafayette.


Larry King came on and spoke of his days at Lafayette.


With an amused twinkle he spoke of how every day at 3 o’clock, when he was going home from school, the Italian boys would beat him up because he was Jewish.


I spoke next and I started my speech by saying:


“I want to tell you, Larry, you have been avenged.


“I married Judy Licht, a Jewish woman, and every day at 3 o’clock she beats me up.”


The huge audience went wild.

I looked down from the stage and there was Larry King waving his arms and laughing the loudest.


For a few seconds I was a wise-cracking, carefree 16-year-old with a duck tail haircut and pegged pants, walking the halls of the greatest high school in the world.


************************


THE CRISIS WITHIN THE CRISIS


Covid is bad enough, but for many men it’s just the tip of the iceberg.


Let me explain.


For every man in the world over the age of 60 there is an issue they face revolving around their aging kidneys.


To put it bluntly, the older a man gets the more often he has to pee.


Here’s a fact that hasn’t been reported in most of the medical journals:


Every day at 3:36 AM, every male in the world is up, sleepily heading for the bathroom. By 3:39 AM they’re back in bed snoring away. At 5:43 AM, every male in the world is awake again and heading for the bathroom.


During the day the average man can hold out for 2 hours. But most men start to feel the urge if they haven’t gone in 3 hours.


Going 4 hours without a bathroom break is the sign of an unusual specimen with iron kidneys.


Up until now, if you weren’t at home there was always a place you could stop and use the restroom.


I’m about to give you the inside story about the success of McDonald’s.


No, it’s not about the Big Mac and no, it was never because of the delicious fries.


That’s the story the McDonald’s people wanted you to believe.


It was always about those pristine, always welcoming McDonald’s men’s rooms.


And yes, for years when you entered a McDonald’s you saw a sign that read, “Over 900 million served.”


I say if they were honest, they would have a sign over the door of their men’s room saying, “Over one billion relieved.”


Naturally, after using the clean, sparkling McDonald’s bathroom, a man would be so grateful that he would spring for a burger and fries.


That’s how McDonald’s became so successful.


So now here’s the bad news.


The bathrooms in every McDonald’s in the land are closed.


A sign reads:


“Due to the Coronavirus pandemic, all McDonald’s bathrooms are closed until further notice.”


Who knew?


Who knew that the covid virus had found a home in the McDonald’s bathrooms?


Has anyone told Dr. Anthony Fauci about this?


He’s 80 years old – I bet he’s ducked into a McDonald’s restroom a million times.

The fact is the little town of Manorville, NY, about 30 minutes from the Hamptons, has had the most visited men’s room in all of McDonald’s worldwide empire.


But sadly, these days if you are driving to the Hamptons from New York City, stuck in horrible traffic for 2 ½ to 3 hours and you’ve had the urge to go since you passed the ridiculously named town of Ronkonkoma and you can barely hop out of your car in Manorville, you’re out of luck. The Manorville McDonald’s men’s room is closed. It’s heartless.


In retaliation I am boycotting their Sausage Egg McMuffin.


I am passing them by.


Join with me.

This is war. It’s a war every man over the age of 60 is losing.


And don’t look for relief anywhere else.


There is not a single open available restroom in all of Suffolk County.


Trust me. I’ve looked.


If you’re desperate you can stop your car on Route 27 and head for the woods in the pines.


If you’re arrested for indecent exposure, I, along with 10 million men over the age of 60, will testify on your behalf.


What a revolting development this is.


************************


THE CORONAVIRUS BLUES - ANOTHER DENNIS HOLT FUNNY


My goal for 2020 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.


I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.


A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.


Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.


Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside, they closed school? Yeah, me neither.


I love approaching 80. I learn something new every day and forget five other things.


A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money, so I got up and searched with him.


Just remember, once you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.


Having plans sounds like a good idea until you must put on clothes and leave the house.


It’s weird being the same age as old people.


Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember...don’t sing!


I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.


If you can’t think of a word, say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.


The ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing workouts, baking banana bread, and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast, and missing people you don’t even like.


I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.


I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.


At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in:


“That’s a load of 2020.” or “What the 2020?” or “Abso-2020-lutely.”


You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.




-If you wish to comment on "Jerry’s Ink" please send your message to jerry@dfjp.com

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