Jerry Della Femina
LET’S START WITH ANOTHER GREAT JOKE... (2/16/21)
LET’S START WITH ANOTHER GREAT JOKE FROM DENNIS HOLT
A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a bus. After a bit, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?” The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.” The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?” To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to the temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.” A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?” The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.” The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?” The priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.” The rabbi nodded understandably and remained silent and thinking for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?” NOBODY LAUGHS ANYMORE Have you noticed? I expect, from my printing the joke above, to hear from a number of religious Catholics and an equal number of observant Jews. They won’t be amused. I don’t care. There’s a whole legion of sourpusses out there who can’t laugh. It’s killing this country. Have you heard any jokes from the “cancel culture” creeps? How about the “woke” idiots? Tell me the last time the MeToo morons said something funny. I remember a great sign I saw scribbled on the outside wall of a comedy club on Sunset Boulevard in Los Angles. It read, “This is where they arrested Lenny Bruce for talking.” For talking. For words. It’s worse today. Try saying the wrong word if you’re a writer who works for the New York Times. Half the newsroom will rise against you because your use of a word made them feel “threatened.” The other half of the newsroom will side with you but will be afraid to open their mouths for fear of being fired. That’s the New York Times – once the greatest newspaper in the world. I know, I proudly worked there as a messenger when I was 16 years old. You cannot change the way people think by telling them there are words they can’t say or hear. My father’s family was just off the boat, filled with every prejudice and hatred for anyone who wasn’t Italian. Then in the 1940s my uncle Freddie met and fell in love with a wonderful Jewish girl named Sandy. I was only 10 but I remember going to my grandmother’s house and there was my grandmother, who was a fearsome woman filled with anger, sitting at the kitchen table. It was a Jewish holiday and my grandma was buttering a matzo and sharing it with my lovely aunt Sandy. There was laughter in a room that never had laughter before. Even at age 10 I must have realized the secret to ending racism, anti-Semitism and all hatred is assimilation. Let everyone marry or go to bed with everyone else and we’ll be fine. BLAMING TRUMP IS ALWAYS FUN It would be easy to blame the death of laughter on Donald Trump. 55% of the country is open to blaming Trump for everything. And in the history of laughter, there is no one with a worse sense of humor than Donald Trump. His idea of fun is to point out a wart or a limp or a spasm on his victim and then, in a most Mussolini-like move, puff up his cheeks, blow out his fleshy lips and do what he thinks passes for laughter. Sooner or later we have to figure out what to do with Trump. Our world is stuck with him, and 60 million people in the United States think he’s God. But Democrats are nuts to fear he can run for president and win. It’s not going to happen. He will never have the votes and he’s lost every independent and middle-of-the-road Republican. He will lose by double figures and barely have enough votes to claim he was cheated. He will get the Republican nomination over Mitch McConnell’s dead body, which I think is a pleasant thought. But he will never haunt the White House again. You have my word on it. I have a job for Donald Trump for which he will be perfect, and he will take it so that he still has the attention he needs to mount an unsuccessful run for president. I want Donald Trump to run and win as the next mayor of New York City. He can “Make New York City Great” again. Our new police commissioner will be Roger Stone. Our new comptroller will be Paul Manafort. Rudy Giuliani will be our district attorney. Let’s get rid of the stupid, lazy, clueless corruption of Mayor Bill de Blasio and replace it with some intelligent corruption that will make New York City work again. Trump will triple the police force and put an officer in every car of every subway train. Trump will ban bicycles except for weekends and clear the streets and traffic will move again. Trump will open the schools full-time again. Trump will open up the restaurants 100% and give needed jobs to hundreds of thousands of New Yorkers. Trump will open up the Broadway theaters 100% and that will bring back tourists. Trump will insist Covid is over and maybe, with everyone having the vaccine, it will be over. Those who refuse to be vaccinated will have to work out the spread of Covid among themselves. I mentioned my Trump for mayor plan to a friend who shrieked and said it will never work. “Trump and Governor Andrew Cuomo are two disgusting bullies who will kill each other. “THEY WILL KILL EACH OTHER!” he screamed. “Wouldn’t that be wonderful,” was my answer.
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