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  • Jerry Della Femina

MARY POPPINS’ BREASTS



So there I was, watching this wonderful old movie called “SOB” on the beloved Turner Classic Movies channel, and guess what popped up? Or should I say, popped out?


Julie Andrews’ breasts.


If you haven’t seen “SOB,” go to Amazon Prime or Netflix tonight and treat yourself to this comedy classic, as well as to a good look at Julie Andrews’ beautiful breasts.


The New York Times 1981 review by Vincent Canby called “SOB” a “manic, angry, bitter farce about the sleazy, big-time wheelers and dealers who run the movie studios.” Canby went on to say, “It’s difficult to remember a film as mean-spirited as ‘S.O.B.’ that also was so consistently funny.”


The cast of all-star rats in “S.O.B.” is headed by Felix Farmer (Richard Mulligan), the most successful and thus most beloved producer in Hollywood until the release of his latest film, “Night Wind,” pulls “Lowest Grosses in History.”


His wife is Sally Miles (Julie Andrews), mother of their two children and, more important, the star of “Night Wind,” who, when the reviews come in, stalks out of the house, taking the children, her Rolls-Royce, her male secretary and the Chinese cook.


Felix, who seems no less opportunistic and a good deal crazier than his oppressors, staggers through the film in a drugged stupor trying to find the best way to kill himself.


Then he decides to reshoot “Night Wind,” the flop family movie, as a semi-porn flick, which we all know sells better than family movies.


Miss Andrews triumphs when, against her nature, she successfully bares her breasts for the “Night Wind” camera. This is as close as “S.O.B.” ever comes to allowing a recognizable human emotion to reach the screen.


Let me say here that I love Julie Andrews. Let me add that there is no man over 60 who hasn’t at one time in his life been in madly in love with Julie Andrews.


She had that proper British serious style at all times, but when you looked into her eyes, you saw a “no one knows what goes on behind closed doors” look that drove men nuts.


“SOB” was directed by her real-life husband Blake Edwards. The joke is he directed his wife Julie Andrews to play the role of the sweet Julie Andrews we all saw in every one of her movies.


Now comes the big question that has been haunting me since I saw the movie the other night: What did Blake Edwards promise the always proper Julie Andrews to get her to bare her breasts in his movie?


Edwards is dead, but if MeToo was around in 1981, “SOB” would have caused them to start an errant husband division. God knows what most married men, in heat, promise their wives.


Think of the potential for MeToo, with wives turning in their husbands with testimony that would make Harvey Weinstein blush.


“He caressed my behind and when I said I’m not in the mood.” “He didn’t listen.” “He … he … sob … sob.”


My God, if MeToo ever goes after lying husbands, women would prevail and the New York Post would have to put out a special edition every day.


When Julie Andrews turned 79, she was reported to have performed at a concert for AARP members.


One of the musical numbers she allegedly sang was “My Favorite Things” from the legendary movie “The Sound of Music.”


True or not, I can just hear her singing these lyrics:


“Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,

Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,

Bundles of magazines tied up in string,

These are a few of my favorite things.


Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,

Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,

Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,

These are a few of my favorite things.


When the pipes leak,

When the bones creak,

When the knees go bad,

I simply remember my favorite things,

And then I don't feel so bad.


Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,

No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,

Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,

These are a few of my favorite things.


Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin’,

Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,

And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,

When we remember our favorite things.


When the joints ache,

When the hips break,

When the eyes grow dim,

Then I remember the great life I’ve had,

And then I don’t feel so bad.”


What a great woman. You have to love her.



-If you wish to comment on “Jerry’s Ink” please send your message to jerry@dfjp.com

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