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  • Jerry Della Femina

NOBODY ASKED ME, BUT…



Every Friday in the New York Post a great sportswriter named Jimmy Cannon used to write a column that I would devour. The column consisted of his observations of the passing scene. It was called "Nobody Asked Me, But." So, with apologies to Jimmy Cannon:


Tupac Shakur, Jam Master Jay, The Notorious B.I.G., and now Nipsey Hussle.

The list of murdered hip hop singers keeps growing. What a violent group. There was never anything like this in my youth.


Nobody ever took a shot at Bing Crosby or Perry Como or Nat King Cole or even Jerry Vale, although I wouldn’t have minded if someone shot Tom Jones while he was singing “What’s New Pussycat?”


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I think Audible belongs right up there with E-ZPass and the George Foreman Grill as one of the greatest inventions in my lifetime.


Audible makes a 3-hour bumper-to-bumper drive to the Hamptons actually seem short. A few weeks ago I was listening to a fascinating book about Warner Bros subtitled The Making of an American Movie Studio.


David Thomson, who has the most magnificent voice I’ve ever heard, read the book. Jack Warner, who built the studio, was a pig. He took his mistress, Jackie Park, to London and in a speech to a few hundred people described Jackie as “having a heart of gold and a snatch to match.”


That last line almost caused me to crash my car.


As I said, Jack Warner was a loathsome pig, but he knew how to make great movies.


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Other Audible books I urge you to listen to: IQ by Joe Ide, about a new type of private eye, and Wrecked, also by Joe Ide.


Sunrise Highway by Peter Blauner and The Tourist or The Nearest Exit by Olen Steinhauer.


I consider it a great trip out to the Hamptons when I have my sweet little dog Shlomo sitting next to me while I’m listening to a great audiobook about crime and murder and the troubles in Belfast by Adrian McKinty, beautifully read by Gerard Doyle.


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Mel Torme singing "Stardust" or “How High the Moon” is this old guy's idea of what music should be.


I listened to some Barbra Streisand songs the other day. What a great set of pipes. Sad thing is most millennials who have grown up on hip hop crap have never heard her sing or even heard of her.


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Auto racing is truly the sport of goobers. I think if you forced me to watch more than two minutes of NASCAR racing I would confess to anything.


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We will never have a worse mayor than Bill de Blasio. The damage he is doing to our city in the name of his “left wing” politics is incredible. Here’s my challenge to all my Democrat friends: Would you vote for de Blasio for president in an “anyone but Trump” election? If your answer is yes I say shame on you.


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I voted for Hillary and I think Donald Trump is a liar, a braggart and a fool. Forget Mueller – Trump’s separating 2-year-old immigrant kids from their parents was something for which he should have been impeached. But let me tell you, if the Democrats are dumb enough to nominate Bernie Sanders or fake Indian Elizabeth Warren, Trump will be re-elected easily.


What the Democrats are doing to Joe Biden with these phony “he kissed me on the top of my head and it was not sexual but he invaded my space” bull crap is criminal. The woman who started it all is in the Bernie Sanders camp. Sanders was not content with hurting Hillary in 2016 and sticking us with Trump. He’s an incompetent, poison-filled creep who is the best thing that ever happened to the Republican party.


South Bend, Indiana Mayor Pete Buttigieg is a gay 37-year-old Harvard-educated Rhodes scholar and Afghanistan War veteran. He is the smartest and best candidate the Democrats have running for president, but the Democrat establishment, which has a 2020 election death wish, won’t nominate him.


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Let me get this straight: Our idiot local politicians have destroyed traffic in New York City. There isn’t a street in New York that hasn’t lost at least one lane to a bunch of racks holding ugly bicycles waiting to be rented in some fool attempt to turn New York City into Copenhagen. Not to mention setting up tables and chairs and closing streets all over town so that people can picnic or eat their lunch in heavy traffic.


This has destroyed traffic. So along come these greedy politicians/idiots and they will get congestion pricing. Do you know who will pay for this crude attempt at taxation? You and me. The truck bringing fresh food to your favorite restaurant will pass its congestion cost on to the restaurant, who will pass it on to you.


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The Knicks can’t have too many losing seasons for me. When “The Lucky Sperm Club” holds its annual parade, the Knicks’ owner Jimmy Dolan should be the Grand Marshal.


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Summer recipe: Pick up a pound of fresh raw scallops at the wonderful Seafood Shop in Wainscott. Slice them into thin slices, add the juice of one lemon, 4 ounces of great virgin olive oil, plenty of salt, and 1/4 teaspoon of cayenne pepper and leave in the refrigerator for two hours and serve. Delicious.


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Summer showering (alone) in an outdoor shower is as over-rated as beach walking.


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The sliced sirloin steak at Pietro’s on East 43rd Street is the best in New York. So is the delicious mixed green salad.


And nobody in the western world makes a better hamburger than Donohue’s (Lexington Avenue and 64th Street), my favorite restaurant in the world.


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Whenever I watch a re-run of “Sex and the City” I learn about a new sex act that should only be attempted if you’re in a ménage à trois and one of the participants is a chiropractor.


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I’m so vain that I actually find myself encouraging identity theft. In my case, I think everybody should be me.



-If you wish to comment on “Jerry’s Ink” please send your message to jerry@dfjp.com

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