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  • Jerry Della Femina

NOBODY ASKED ME, BUT



Every Friday in the New York Post, a great sportswriter named Jimmy Cannon used to write a column that I would devour. The column consisted of his observations of the passing scene. It was called “Nobody Asked Me, But.” So, with apologies to Jimmy Cannon…


I’m sure all my Democrat friends are standing behind idiot Democrat Congressman Al Green from Houston who recently said: “I’m concerned if we don’t impeach this president, he will get re-elected.” What dopey Al Green is telling the 63 million Americans who voted for Trump in 2016 is that he wants to take their choice for president away from them. What a great new motto for the Democratic party: “If we can’t beat Trump, let’s impeach him.”


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I slept through half of Little Women. My wife, the beautiful Judy Licht, loved, loved, loved it. It’s the chick flick to end all chick flicks. I was disappointed from the beginning when I found out Little Women wasn’t a politically correct movie about female dwarfs.


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I’m thinking of seeing an exorcist to help me get rid of the hatred I have in my heart for kale. I now tell every food server who asks me, “Any food allergies?” that I'm deathly allergic to kale, and then I add if kale is being served anywhere in this restaurant I will break out into projectile vomiting.


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Let’s hear it for the New York Times. They didn’t endorse just one person for the Democratic nomination to run against Donald Trump. They endorsed two people: Amy Klobuchar and my personal favorite, Elizabeth Warren. When you think of Warren you know that the Times selected her to get even for all the things the settlers did to the Indians between 1622 and the late 19th century. “Pocahontas” Warren, who we all know is a fake Indian, will take the money from the 1% of Indians who have made millions owning gambling casinos and give it to the Indians (Native Americans) who need it.


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Auto racing is truly the sport of goobers. I think if you forced me to watch more than two minutes of NASCAR racing I would confess to anything.


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Gay author Larry Kramer, in his new book, claims Alexander Hamilton was gay and he lusted after George Washington. He also makes the assertion that George Washington was closer to being “The Mother of Our Country” than he was to being “The Father of Our Country.” I wonder how this will affect those liberals out there who won’t rest until Alexander Hamilton is replaced on the $10 bill by Rosie O’Donnell.


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Great recipe if you want to lose weight: Pick up a pound of fresh raw scallops at the wonderful Seafood Shop in Wainscott, or at Leonards’ seafood shop in New York City. Slice them into thin slices, add the juice of one lemon, 4 ounces of great virgin olive oil, plenty of salt, and 1/4 teaspoon of cayenne pepper and leave in the refrigerator for two hours and serve. Delicious.


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I’m so vain that I actually find myself encouraging identity theft. In my case, I think everybody should be me.


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The idiots are at it again. Now they want to change the name of the Dixie Highway because the word “Dixie” is racist.


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Whenever I watch a rerun of “Sex and the City,” I learn about a new sex act that should only be attempted if you’re in a ménage à trois and one of the participants is a chiropractor.


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Teams stealing each other’s signs has been part of baseball since the days of Abner Doubleday. Now baseball is punishing the management of the Astros for stealing signs. I suggest baseball should dig up Leo Durocher’s body. (He had a guy up in the scoreboard with binoculars who stole a Brooklyn Dodger’s sign in 1951, enabling the New York Giants’ Bobby Thompson to win the pennant with a home run off of Ralph Branca.)


I say let’s dig up Durocher’s body and take it from baseball stadium to baseball stadium and beat his dead body with bats over and over again while the fans cheer.


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1917, a movie that everyone likes, is a movie that I hated. I don’t think it’s a fun night at the movies when you have to watch rats crawling over and eating dead German soldiers and then you go out to the Palm for dinner and stare at your steak.


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Now she tells us. Hillary Clinton on Bernie Sanders: “He was in Congress for years. He had just one senator support him. Nobody likes him, nobody wants to work with him, he got nothing done. He was a career politician. It’s all just baloney and I feel so bad that people got sucked into it.”


Does this mean if Bernie is elected president I’m not going to get the free pony that Bernie promised me?


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When I become King, people who hold up the line at a checkout counter when they bring more than 15 items to a supermarket aisle that is clearly marked “10 items or less” will be executed on the spot.



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