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  • Jerry Della Femina

SOME THOUGHTS OFF THE TOP OF MY CUTE BALD HEAD (7/12/22)

The New York Mets honored one of their greatest players, Keith Hernandez, the other day and retired his uniform number 17.


It was a well-deserved honor and Hernandez, a great man, was a great ballplayer for the Mets.

No one mentioned that Hernandez spent many years before the Mets playing for the St. Louis Cardinals. And in those days, while a star player, Hernandez was a wild man and has admitted he snorted a ton of cocaine.

I think if the Cardinals want to honor Hernandez for his time on their team, they should call a special day for Hernandez and retire his nose.

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A NIGHT AT THE MOVIES

I cried like a baby the first time I saw a movie. Maybe it was because I was a baby. I was three years old.

The movie was “Jessie James” starring Tyrone Power, Henry Fonda and Randolph (“The Queen of the Cowboys”) Scott. My parents took me to see this movie at what was known as “Feldman’s Open Air Frankfurter Theater” in Coney Island. That’s where for 10 cents you got a frankfurter and admission to the movie.

My parents got in for a total of 20 cents and I got in free because I was only three. The horses came on the screen and I thought I was going to be trampled. I screamed and was hysterical until they carried me out. They missed the movie. Twenty cents was a lot of money to them those days. Plus, they had paid a nickel apiece for the subway. They never forgave me and reminded me about it for years. I’ve hated horses ever since.

But I’ve grown to love movies over the years.

Sadly, the big screen we all loved is being replaced by a tiny phone screen.

The other night I went to see Top Gun: Maverick with Tom Cruise. Cruise is great in the role they used to give to John Wayne a hundred years ago.

It’s hard to watch Cruise without remembering he’s one of the leaders in the Scientology cult.

You find yourself thinking: How can somebody be so good looking and so stupid?

Go see the movie for yourself – it’s quite good and it’s the ultimate “guy” movie.

But here’s a warning: You’ve never seen so much testosterone on a movie screen in your life.

I had to go home a shower off all that testosterone before I did something I would regret.

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I don’t know a single “woke” person and I’ll bet you don’t know one either.

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BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME. LET’S GET TO THE GOOD STUFF.

Harry the butcher was interviewing a potential candidate for the job of butcher shop cashier.

Her name was Suzy and she was very attractive.

“I’d love to have someone beautiful like Suzy working for me,” Harry thinks to himself. But then he quickly remembers the instructions his wife Nancy gave him that very morning.

“Now remember, Harry, you’re looking for a cashier who can keep your financial records straight and who can prevent you from paying too much unnecessary tax. You are not looking for the next Miss World.”

So Harry forces himself to come up with a simple math test to check out Suzy’s mathematical and financial ability. “OK, Suzy,” he says to her. “If I were to give you $4,000 less 16%, how much would you take off?”

Suzy immediately replies, “Everything except my gold necklace and ring.”

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A man is hit by a bus in New York City. He lies dying in the street. A policeman come through the crowd that has formed around the man as they wait for an ambulance. The man realizes that he is dying and asks for a priest. The policeman turns to the crowd and asks if there is a priest. No one comes forward. But an old Jewish man from the back of the crowd comes forward and says, “I’m not a priest, but I live behind a Catholic Church and every night I hear the liturgy, and everything they say, maybe I can help.” So, the policeman decides, any port in a storm, and tells the old Jewish man to go ahead. The old Jewish man leans down over the dying man and reverently says in a loud voice, “B-24.”

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Four Jewish brothers left home for college. Later they became, respectively, a lawyer, a doctor, an accountant and a hedge fund operator, and they all prospered. Some years later, chatting after dinner, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother, Sophie.

The first, Marty, said, “I had a big house built for Mama.”

The second, Michael , said, “I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house.”

The third, Sam, said, “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an 600SL with a chauffeur.”

The fourth, Louis, said, “Listen to this. You know how Mama loves reading the Torah and you know she can’t see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took 20 rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.”

Soon thereafter, Sophie sent out her thank you notes. She wrote:

“Marty, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks so much.”

“Michael, you give me a theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing and I’m nearly blind. Thanks anyway.”

“Sam, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes…and I think the driver is an anti-Semite. A million thanks.”

“Dearest Louis, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious.”

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THIS FROM HER GREAT DENNIS HOLT

Earth’s Population Statistics in Perspective

The population of earth is around 7.8 billion.

For most people, it is a large figure. However, if you condensed 7.8 billion into 100 persons, and then into various percentage statistics the resulting analysis is relatively much easier to comprehend.

Out of 100:

11 are in Europe

5 are in North America

9 are in South America

15 are in Africa

60 are in Asia

49 live in the countryside

51 live in cities

75 have mobile phones

25 do not

30 have internet access

70 do not have the availability to go online

7 received university education

93 did not attend college

83 can read

17 are illiterate

33 are Christians

22 are Muslims

14 are Hindus

7 are Buddhists

12 are other religions

12 have no religious beliefs

26 live less than 14 years

66 die between 15-64 years of age

8 are over 65 years old.

If you have your own home, eat full meals and drink clean water, have a mobile phone, can surf the internet and have gone to college, you are in the miniscule privileged lot (in the less than 7% category).

Among 100 persons in the world, only 8 live or exceed the age of 65!

If you are over 65 years old, be content and grateful.

If you think you are suffering memory loss or anosognosia, this may be interesting. In the following analysis, the French professor Bruno Dubois, Director of the Institute of Memory and Alzheimer's Disease (IMMA) at La Pitié-Salpêtrière - Paris Hospitals, addresses the subject in a rather reassuring way:

“If anyone is aware of their memory problems, they do not have Alzheimer’s.”

It often happens in people 60 years and older that they complain that they lack memory. The information is always in the brain, it is the “processor” that is lacking.

This is “anosognosia,” or temporary forgetfulness.

Half of people 60 and older have some symptoms that are due to age rather than disease. The most common cases are:

- forgetting the name of a person

- going to a room in the house and not remembering why we were going there

- a blank memory for a movie title or actor or actress

- a waste of time searching where we left our glasses or keys

After 60 years most, people have such a difficulty, which indicates that it is not a disease but rather a characteristic due to the passage of years.

Many people are concerned about these oversights. Hence the importance of the following statements:

1. “Those who are conscious of being forgetful have no serious problem of memory.”

2. “Those who suffer from a memory illness or Alzheimer’s are not aware of what is happening.”

Professor Bruno Dubois, Director of IMMA, reassures the majority of people concerned about their oversights:

“The more we complain about memory loss, the less likely we are to suffer from memory sickness.”





-If you wish to comment on “Jerry’s Ink” please send your message to jerry@dfjp.com



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