Jerry Della Femina
SOMETHING TO MAKE ALMOST EVERYONE MAD (4/27/21)
THE OVER/UNDER ON DEREK CHAUVIN
Derek Chauvin is a disgusting stone-cold killer who got what he deserved.
Don’t think for a second that he will leave prison alive.
My guess is the over/under number is 2 years. Then one of his fellow prisoners will stick a prison-made knife in his back. Or a group of prisoners will get him on the ground in an exercise yard and one of them will press his knee onto Chauvin’s neck for well over 9 and 1/2 minutes.
IF I WAS A GOOD WHITE COP
If a black person was trying to escape after being stopped for whatever reason, I would shout, “Stop! Please!” And if they kept running I would get back into my squad car and look at my cell phone until I was sure he or she was out of sight.
I would never take my gun out when dealing with a black person. Too often unarmed innocent people have been killed.
Stopping people for the color of their skin must stop.
I would never stop a car driven by a black person. At the most I would pull up alongside and tell them about the infraction that had been committed. Then I would politely ask them to please not do it again. And then I would smile, wave and drive off, to avoid another Ma’Khia Bryant shooting.
If I was called to a scene by someone who says there is a woman with a knife threatening to kill two young girls, I wouldn’t get out of my squad car. I would ask the person with the knife to please put it down.
If, instead, she drives the knife into the heart of one of the young girls and kills her, I would say, “I guess you’re satisfied now. Please put the knife down now and leave before more cops come and they will have to arrest you.”
AN ANSWER TO A BLACK-ON-BLACK MURDER
Latisha Bell came up behind her ex-girlfriend Nichelle Thomas in broad daylight and at point-blank range shot her in the head, blowing her brains all over the street. For the 20 years she and Thomas “dated,” Bell has been cited as the aggressor in 10 reported domestic incidents to the police.
She has confessed and there is a picture of her committing the crime.
Brandon West, a City Council candidate endorsed by dopey Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, feels that although she committed murder, Ms. Bell should be treated with compassion.
It turns out, according to Brandon West, that “we can only progress if we realize murderers and abusers are victims, as they are suffering at the hands of complex emotional and intergenerational trauma which compels them to commit awful acts.”
Mr. West did not say that he feels the same way about the killer Derek Chauvin.
However, if and when Joe Biden gets his way to destroy the country by packing the Supreme Court, I believe Brandon West should be his appointee as Chief Justice.
IF JOHN KERRY MARRIED ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ
John Kerry is probably our country’s highest-ranking dope.
The Wall Street Journal nailed him the other day with this great line:
“Mr. Kerry has shown, in Iran and elsewhere, that he will leave no concession unmade in his pursuit of a bad deal.”
SOMETHING TO MAKE AT LEAST ONE PERSON SMILE
It started with a joke someone emailed me. I thought it was funny and decided to print it in this column.
But then I thought about the P.C. zombies who have taken over our lives. I was going to hear from women’s groups, Facebook fascists, and humorless angry liberals who haven’t smiled since 1999. Then I thought … so what?
One day a father, on his way home from work, suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday. He stops at a toy store and goes in and asks the salesperson, “How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?”
The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean, sir? We have Work-Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.”
The amazed father asks, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?”
The slightly miffed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs and answers, “Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s Truck, Ken’s House, Ken’s Fishing Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Dog, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends, and a key chain made from Ken’s testicles.”
Is it a silly joke? Is it an angry joke? Is it an offensive joke? How about it’s just a joke that made me laugh that I wanted to share with you.
I like to laugh and I’ve had it with humorless P.C. freaks.
So there you have it. Jokes aren’t jokes anymore. And no one – even the most liberal of the liberals – is free from criticism.
Bernie Sanders walks into a crowded bar and announces, “The drinks are on the house!”
Then he says, “Who’s buying?”
THERE’S NOTHING LIKE RELIGIOUS HUMOR
Two beggars are sitting side-by-side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him, the other the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism ... People aren’t going to give money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite.” The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said, “Moishe, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing.”
A Steven Wright leftover from last week’s column:
In Europe do they call Miles Davis
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