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SOMETHING TO MAKE YOU SMILE



From time to time my friends send me jokes. Since this is the week after Memorial Day (my, isn’t this summer going fast!), I’ve decided to publish a few of my favorites because I haven’t got a single idea in my head worth writing about. Enjoy!


MEETING THE PARENTS


A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told the girl’s father to find out about the young man.


The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk. “So, what are your plans?” the father asked the young man.


“I am a biblical scholar,” he replied.


“A biblical scholar, hmmm?” the father said. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?”


“I will study,” the young man replied, “and God will provide for us.”


“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asked the father. “I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replied. “God will provide for us.”


“And children?” asked the father. “How will you support children?”


“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replied the fiancé. The conversation proceeded like this...and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.


Later, the mother asked, “How did your talk go, honey?”


The father answered, “He’s a Democrat. He has no job, he has no plans, and he thinks I’m God.”


*********************************************


BUMBLING BERNIE


A teacher asked her class how many of them were Bernie Sanders fans.


Not really knowing what a Bernie Sanders fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.


The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again.


Little Johnny said, “Because I’m not a Bernie Sanders fan.”


The teacher asked, “Why aren’t you a Bernie Sanders fan?”


Johnny said, “Because I’m a Conservative.”


The teacher asked him why he’s a Conservative.


Little Johnny answered, “Well, my Mom’s a Conservative and my Dad’s a Conservative, so I’m a Conservative.”


Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, “If your Mom was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”


Little Johnny replied, “A Bernie Sanders fan.”


*********************************************


“I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms – Truman’s and Eisenhower’s.”

-Football player Alex Karras


Ohio State’s football coach Urban Meyer on one of his players: “He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.”


*********************************************


Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.


“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.


“Michael O’Connor and me had a fight,” says Paddy.


“That little skinny O’Connor?” says Sean. “How could he do that to you? He must have had something in his hand.”


“That he did,” says Paddy. “A shovel is what he had, and a terrible beatin’ he gave me with it.”


“Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself ta same. Didn’t you have something in your hand?”


“That I did,” said Paddy. “Mrs. O’Connor's breast. And a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.”


*********************************************


GRANDFATHER OF THE YEAR


A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits and all sorts of things. 


The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long.”

Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, “It’s okay, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there.”


At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart. Grandfather says again in a controlled voice, “William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes. Stay cool, William.”


Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather.”


“Thanks,” says the grandfather, “but I am William. This little bastard’s name is Kevin.”


*********************************************


HERE’S ONE FOR PC IDIOTS TO FAINT OVER


A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.


He had no arms and no legs.


Three women, from England, Wales and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.


The English woman said, “Have you ever had a hug?” The man said “No,” so she gave him a hug and walked on.


The Welsh woman said, “Have you ever had a kiss?” The man said, “No,” so she gave him a kiss and walked on.


The Scottish woman came to him and said, “’ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?” The man broke into a big smile and said, “No.” She said, “Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in.”



-If you wish to comment on “Jerry’s Ink” please send your message to jerry@dfjp.com

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