SOMETHING TO MAKE YOU SMILE (6/22/21)

On Facebook, David J. Spencer has a public group called “Lovers of the Human Race.”

A lot of funny stuff.

Many of the jokes below were sent in to this group by Margaret Holt Was Tyrrell, a woman from England with a great sense of humor.

I hope you enjoy them.

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A group of four-year-olds was trying very hard to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

“You need to use ‘Big People’ words,” she was always reminding them. “John, what did you do over the weekend?”

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People’ words!”

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

“I took a ride on a choo-choo.”

“No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words,” she said.

She then asked little Alex what he had done.

“I read a book,” he replied.

“That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”

Alex thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, “Winnie the SHIT.”

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WHO SAYS MEN DON’T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”

The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?” he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do,” she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. “Do you remember when

you father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, “Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years’?”

“I remember that too,” she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today!”

He’s now recuperating at the hospital.

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After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa-bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV. But hey, I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now…I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old woman.”

So I said to my wife, “It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black-and-white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems!

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There I was, sitting at the bar staring at my drink, when a large trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home, I found my wife in bed with another man and then my dog bit me.

“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to end it all. I buy a drink. I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve.

“Then you show up and drink the whole thing!

“But enough about me, how’s your day going?”

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There’s nothing worse than a doctor’s receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”

“There's something wrong with my dick,” he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.”

“Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.

The receptionist replied, “Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”

The man replied, “You shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.”

The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes??”

“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, sir?”

“I can’t piss out of it,” he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you’re going to lose!

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A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village.

None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, “You are driving me crazy Arthur!”

One day Arthur’s mother came into school to check on how he was doing.

The teacher told his mother honestly that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career.

The mother was shocked at the feedback, withdrew her son from the school and even moved to another town.

Twenty-five years later, the same teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease.

All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open-heart operation, which only one surgeon in the world could perform.

Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery, she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her.

She wanted to thank him, but could not talk.

Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually, sadly died.

The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Arthur, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his vacuum cleaner!

(Don’t tell me you thought that Arthur became a friggin’ doctor!?)

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This is from Ira Ratner, who worked at my advertising agency:

The federal government, which has “TOMAHAWK” cruise missiles and “APACHE,” “BLACKHAWK,” “KIOWA” and “LAKOTA” helicopters, and used the code name “GERONIMO” in the attack that killed Osama bin Laden, officially objects to the name Washington Redskins.

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