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  • Writer's pictureJerry Della Femina


Let’s stop all this bullcrap about assault weapons.

Donald Trump, who sucks up to the NRA, has called mass shootings a mental health issue.

No shit, Sherlock.

He said, “I’m talking about meaningful, write that word, meaningful, meaningful background checks.” Mr. Trump said this before the bodies were cold after our last mass shooting.

This, of course, is a smoke screen to keep the weapons of death – the AR-15, AK-47 and every other assault rifle – available to any wacko who wants to buy one.

Background checks? Useless. Getting people to tell you they are not crazy before you let them have a military assault gun that can kill 30 people in two seconds is ridiculous.

Crazy people will lie.

People who want the power to kill a hundred people in 20 seconds won’t tell you that they’re crazy or even neurotic before it’s too late.

Crazy people don’t think they’re crazy.

This all reminds me of an old joke:

A man goes to a mental institution to visit a friend. On his way out he stops at a bench and starts a conversation with one of the patients.

The patient is normal and rational, highly intelligent and in complete control of his feelings.

“Why are you in here?” the man asks the patient.

“I have no idea. As you can see, I don’t belong here. I’m not insane.”

The man talks to the patient for another hour and says, “This is ridiculous. There must be some mistake.

“I will go to the authorities and tell them holding you here is a horrible mistake. I can tell by talking to you that you’re completely sane.”

“Will you do that for me?” the patient asks.

“Absolutely,” says the man. “I will have you out of here in a few days.”

“Promise?” says the inmate.

“Promise,” says the man as he gets up to walk away.

When he is a few feet away he is suddenly hit on the back of the head by a giant rock and is knocked to his knees. His head is bleeding. He turns around to see the patient who threw the rock looking at him.

“Don’t forget,” he says.

The assault weapons problem can be ended. We need the help of a few billionaires. (Are you listening, Michael Bloomberg and Tom Steyer?)

No matter what political party you belong to, everyone should contribute $5 or more to fund a multimillion-dollar campaign to push the real villain in this assault-weapon mess, Mitch McConnell, out of office in 2020.

What will this do?

It’s good old-fashioned terrorism for a good cause.

Knocking off Mitch McConnell will send a message to every politician in Congress that if they continue to protect assault rifles and the NRA we will vote them out of office.

Know this about most politicians:

They’re cowards.

They know that this job – in the United States Congress – is the best, cushiest job they will ever have.

They will screw anyone over to keep the job.

What about the public, you say?

The vast majority of gun owners do not want or need an assault rifle in their homes.

What they need is assurance that we will never take their guns away.

Let them know that we respect the Second Amendment.

So let’s do a million public service announcements to remind them that they will never lose their guns.

If you like to go into the woods and you like to shoot little rabbits and other furry things, that’s fine. You can always keep your hunting rifle.

If you are nervous and you want to keep a loaded handgun in a drawer next to your bed, that’s fine, and if your 9-year-old grandson finds it and tries to play cops and robbers by aiming that gun at his 6-year-old sister, that’s tragic, but it’s not our business. It’s yours.

And for all those idiots who get off at shooting at a target with an assault weapon, the government will help set up gun ranges where, for a small fee, you can shoot a government-owned AK-47 at a paper target until you turn it into confetti and have an orgasm.

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