THERE’S GOOD NEWS AND THERE’S BAD NEWS
The bad news is I’m running for president as a Democrat in 2020. The good news is this is the first day and I’m already way ahead of Mayor Bill de Blasio.
Yes, I’m a middle-of-the-road Republican, but it’s clear to me that the only way to stop Trump in 2020 is with a Democrat campaign that will reach millennials and their long-suffering parents, gays, liberals, blacks, Hispanics, transgenders, cross-dressers, etc.
I’ve been inspired to run by that Commie, pinko, bed-wetting freak Bernie Sanders.
I did a little research at the start and asked the question: What would make intelligent Democrats look at Sander’s hideous record in Congress over the years, where he achieved nothing, and still consider voting for him for president?
How is he running a close second to sweet and dopey Joe Biden in the race for the Democratic nomination?
The answer is:
Bernie hit on the four-letter word that wins votes.
He offers free health care, free college, and I think he’s been hinting about taking all the money from the top-earning 1% and putting them in internment camps.
I, of course, will do better. I’m offering free everything.
My campaign song will be that old standard from the 1950s:
“The moon belongs to everyone
The best things in life are free.”
Here’s what will make the average or below-average millennial drool:
Not only will college be free when I’m elected, but I will break the racist hold that some Asians and Indians have on all the top colleges.
The nerve of some of these people, who think just by having superior intelligence and working and studying all the time that they can jump over people who would like to be intelligent but are not and don’t have the time to study because they have committed themselves to staring at their cell phones every waking hour for the rest of their lives.
Here’s my plan to level the educational playing field and save many parents millions of dollars that they would have used to bribe school officials.
When I become president, by executive order I will force every college to change its name to one of these five great college names:
Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Stanford, MIT.
This will enable a millennial lunkhead barely getting out of high school, with an SAT score that’s two points lower than his body temperature, to someday say he attended Harvard. Or Yale, etc…
He doesn’t have to say that the Harvard he attended was formerly called Livingston University of West Alabama. It’s his secret.
What’s more, in the future it will be illegal for a potential employer to ask any questions as to which of the 640 Harvards or 523 Yales that the student attended.
Other free things I will promise is a free clothing allowance for cross-dressers.
I will make tattoos free for all.
I mean, it’s your body that’s receiving a painful tattoo, so why should you have to pay for it?
Next, I propose free grass for everyone. It’s on me and it’s on the government. Just remember me (if you can remember anything in 2024) when the time comes to vote.
I also plan break up Apple, because if our forefathers could have looked into the future, they would have wanted every American to have a free smart phone. And while I’m at it, I say, “Let’s break up AT&T and Verizon. Why should any young American have to pay for phone service? Hell, all you want to do is talk to your friends all day and take pictures of kale that you can Instagram around the world – that’s not asking for much.”
And let’s make sure that in the future every election will be won by Democrats.
I owe a thanks to that great American er … er … make that great Native American Elizabeth Warren, who has decided she wants to do away with the Electoral College as a means of electing a president. She’s right – what made the founding fathers think that every vote from every state should count?
My plan is even better: In the future, by executive order, only the votes from two states – New York and California – should count. That should keep Democrats in office for the next 150 years.
Besides, who gives a damn what someone in Alabama thinks.
They lost the Civil War and as far as I’m concerned they’ve lost their chance to vote.
And in the state of complete transparency: To avoid a future Mueller investigation, I must admit these were not all my ideas. Credit for most of this brilliant thinking must go to my vice president running mate, the beautiful, lean, mean, green machine Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
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