THIS WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER – MAYBE
Have you had it up to here with the coronavirus? Me too. It seems the media has decided that it’s great for their news ratings to go “All Coronavirus All The Time.” A New York Post headline – in a type size they usually use to announce a war – screamed: “FIRST U.S. DEATH” Then, in a type size so big that even Stevie Wonder could read it: “Coronavirus Kills Seattle Man In His 50s” The day before, the Post decided to strike fear in the hearts of all New Yorkers with a two-word headline that screamed out: “IT’S HERE” Then below the screaming headline: “Manhattan Woman Has Coronavirus” And on the same page there was a picture of the coronavirus blown up a few million times. It looks like a ball with many little red doodads attached to it and, if you’ll forgive me, it’s actually kind of cute, as far as magnified pictures of deadly viruses go. Now I know all this scary stuff has many of you reading this while hiding under your bed. That’s understandable because the news media would love to show a complete panic. They can just see terrified mobs aimlessly running around the streets chasing terrified face-mask-wearing Chinese people with pitchforks because China is where this whole mess started. I’m convinced the media is blowing this completely out of proportion. I can see this meeting at ABC as they plan the nightly news: In walks handsome David Muir who says, “What’s tonight’s lead on the coronavirus?” Someone says, “How about ‘Pope sneezes and almost wipes out the College of Cardinals.’ Then you look serious and say, ‘Does the Pope have the coronavirus?’” Someone else says, “And here’s how you follow that up: ‘I’ve got a professor at the Wyoming School of Medicine who says cellphones are a perfect place to house the coronavirus.’ “You follow up with a sad look at your viewers and you say, ‘Will your cellphone kill you?’ “That should scare the bejesus out of the population. We’ll have them washing their hands and their cellphones every half hour.” Everyone in the ABC newsroom laughs. It comes down to this: The media is relentless and they have one job on the news every night and that’s to scare you. But wait. Maybe this will help. Using my gambling know-how and my incredible sense of odds, let me tell you this: If you are under 65 and in reasonable health, you have a better chance of hitting and winning a $160 million Powerball or Mega Millions lottery than dying from the coronavirus. And for people as old and decrepit as I am, the odds are not as good, but I still have a better chance of winning a $100 million lottery than dying from the coronavirus, although some mornings I wouldn’t bet my health against a $10 scratch-off to win a thousand dollars. Just look at the numbers. The population of the United States is 331 million. Do you really believe that the coronavirus is coming after you, out of 331 million people? New York City has 8 1/2 million people. Do you really believe you’re so unlucky that you’ll get the coronavirus? And that you’ll be one of the 1 or 2 percent who die from it? So cheer up. If you want to do something, wash your hands. Wash them as often as you can. It will help you ward off the common flu. Here’s what I plan to do from now on: Instead of shaking hands I plan to kiss everyone I meet (on the lips, no tongue yet). There is a great deal of proof that shaking hands spreads more germs than kissing. Check this out on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXAxZ_a6SO0 The good news is that it will all be yesterday’s news in a couple of weeks. My feeling is as soon as the weather gets warmer, most flu viruses disappear for another year. Then, of course, in the next 10 months someone will come up with a vaccine. Then all that remains for it to be officially over is for CNN to blame the coronavirus disease on Donald Trump. Then we all can go back to enjoying our lives while hating Trump. Now, enough about germs and pestilence. Let’s talk about the greatest threat to your health and welfare: Bernie Sanders. Let me state now that I believe that Michael Bloomberg – even though he has the personality of a dead flounder – is by far the best person to beat Donald Trump. He’s got the money…the record…the ideas…that would make him one of the greatest presidents in our nation’s history. But meanwhile, Democrats are pushing for a Biden versus Sanders convention. Why? Because of a theory I had all those years I was a Republican, which is when it comes to picking a candidate who can be a great president, Democrats are dumb enough to pick party hacks. I voted for Hillary over Trump and we can all see how that turned out. I will go along with voting for that numbskull Biden (I can just hear him saying on the campaign trail, “I can remember when Obama and I were fighting next to each other in Nam…er…er…I mean Obama and I were campaigning in er…er…North Nebraska. Obama said to me, ‘Jack…er…er…Joe, someday you’re going to make a great mayor…er…er…president’”). Sanders gets the Democratic nomination and you and I will be stuck with voting for the evil of the two lessers.
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