Jerry Della Femina
WAS STEVE JOBS THE DEVIL?
Steve Jobs was a genius and he belongs right up there with Edison and Alan Turing (the man who really invented the computer) and Bill Gates and all the other people who have changed our world.
Credit must go to Steve Jobs for the Mac ... the iPad ... iTunes ... those great Apple stores which are clean and where you actually get great service.
But here is where I think he was the devil, and he will be responsible for the eventual elimination of all millennials (young people up to the age of 30) and then, in the end, the destruction of the world as we know it.
The fiend Steve Jobs developed the most insidious device of all time: the iPhone.
Walk anywhere, stand on a street corner for five minutes, and watch people – many of them millennials – paying no attention to traffic, crossing the street against the light, facing the wrong way with their iPhones stuck to their ears.
Why do I harp on millennials? Because they are at that age where they think they are invincible.
They don’t seem to realize that their body is not as hard as a car. They feel they OWN the street and it is the job of the driver of a car to avoid them because after all ... THEY ... THEY ... ARE ON THE PHONE. And can’t any damn-fool driver see THEY are making an important call to a friend to find out what time they will meet and go to dinner?
Dinner – where, of course, they will use this same iPhone to take pictures of their food and Instagram these pictures of kale and exceptional-looking steamed artichokes and a beautiful slice of pepperoni pizza and send them all around the earth so that other people in foreign lands will send back a message that they, too, “like” the stupid picture.
Sooner or later, many millennials talking while crossing will be run over, and do you know who will be driving the car that kills them?
Another millennial, who has one hand on the steering wheel of a car and the other hand holding an iPhone, and can’t those fools who are crossing the street against the light, not paying attention to the fact that he or she is going 30 miles an hour through the intersection on a green light understand that HE OR SHE IS ON THE PHONE talking ... talking ... talking, making an important date to go to dinner.
Now, it’s important to understand that the only time millennials talk on the phone is when they are crossing a street. At all other times they text.
Many older parents of a millennial have gone months, sometimes years, without hearing their child’s voice because other than talking while they are crossing the street (and no self-respecting millennial will waste his or her time crossing a street against the light to talk to a parent), the only communication millennials make is by text.
Parents of millennials are now trained not to call because they will only hear a dismissive voicemail message (although some parents have confessed to me that they listen to their child’s voicemail message just to hear their precious child’s voice). So, the parents of millennial text.
The messages go something like this:
Parent: How are you? Are you getting a cold? How do you feel?
The Millennial Child’s answer (after four hours): OK.
Parent: When will we see you? Are you coming over for Thanksgiving? Your father’s birthday? Christmas?
Millennial Child: Don’t know.
This is not just a behavior with their parents. Millennials just prefer to text and stare at the screen of their iPhone for hours.
And so after years of not talking, sooner or later the human voice box will be as useless as the appendix. Evolution will bring us children who don’t talk and are born with fingers 10 inches long so they can text from a distance.
And in the future, children will be born without necks because of the all the years the human head has been bowed to look into the screen of the iPhone.
And, of course, when children are born in the future, they will have eyes that never stop rolling. Because when you scream and try to get a young person’s attention away from their iPhone, the only emotion they show is to look at you and roll back their eyes to demonstrate that they think you have gone crazy.
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