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  • Writer's pictureJerry Della Femina


This is one of those days. I can’t think of a thing to write about. It was a nice three-day weekend and now my mind is a blank.

What follows is an updated column I wrote a few years ago. It’s hard to believe that with all their scientific gobble-de-gook, weather prediction is getting worse instead of better.

I have an arthritic knee that can predict the weather better than WNBC, WABC, WCBS and every radio station in the New York area.


“We interrupt this program to bring you a weather news bulletin.”

“Wait, wait, Chuck, you can’t interrupt a program that hasn’t started.”

“Yes I can, Natalie. This is a scary ... scary ... weather bulletin.”

Oh yes, a scary ... scary ... weather bulletin takes precedent over any other news bulletin, including a fake National Emergency bulletin. Only an imminent nuclear war bulletin is allowed to interrupt a local weather report, but only when WNBC News executives are sure that the missiles have already been launched and they are less than 14 minutes away from blowing up the entire tri-state area.

We take you to our breathless, sweet, over-the-top attractive weatherperson looking lovely in her 257th straight different outfit. Jan changes her outfit every time she is on the air, and this is the 257th time she has been on the air on this station this week, and it’s only Wednesday.

“Take it away, Jan.”

“Chuck ... Chuck, we’re all going to die.

“Our new super-duper Doppler Weather Wave Thig-a-Ma-Jig Storm Tracker 4, which is the only Storm Tracker that reaches all the way to Wyoming, as if anyone should give a fu ... fu ... fu ... fuc ... oops, sorry, as if anyone should give a damn about the weather in Wyoming.

“Chuck, our exclusive Storm Tracker is reporting that we are going to have a three-inch to six-inch to God-knows-how-high snowfall.”

Chuck: “Three inches? Oh my God, the humanity!”

“It says three to six inches, but it may be 10 or 12 or 19.

“How tall are you, Chuck?”

“I’m 6 foot 1.”

“That’s only 73 inches. Chuck, you must leave the studio now and take the high ground home. I said three to six inches, but who knows. We’re talking about snow. And snow has no conscience.

“Attention Mayor de Blasio, if you can stop running for president for a minute, the Storm Team 4 team is begging you to close the schools now. I’m thinking of those tiny children covered with snow ... making snowballs while the snow falls. First up to their little knees in snow ... then up to their little waists ... then up to their sweet little noses ... then it’s over their little heads.”

Chuck: “Over their little heads? Oh my God, the humanity!”

“The snow will start to fall in three days at exactly 6:43 AM. It will come down slow, slow, slow and then fast, fast, fast. Then slow, slow, slow again, and then fast, fast, fast again. Who knows if it will ever stop?

“And according to our new super-duper Thig-a-Ma-Jig Storm Tracker 4, New York City’s already horrendous traffic will be stalled for months, maybe years.

“Uber drivers are urged to go back to their native lands tonight, where it is warm and all you have to fear is Zika mosquitos, which was a fake scare that all of us at WNBC News lived off of every night just 3 years ago.”

Chuck: “Jan, may I interrupt for just one minute to give news?”

“Yes, Chuck, but please, please hurry and just take one minute or less, because this snow is only three days away, but it’s close to Minnesota and those poor people living in Minnesota are so punch drunk from living in the snow every minute of their wretched lives they can’t tell three inches from an avalanche.”

Chuck: “Just one minute ... just one minute and we’ll be back to the Storm Team 4 weather news that really counts.

“In today’s news, President Trump has dropped hydrogen bombs on Venezuela and all 31.3 million Venezuelans are dead.

“When asked why he did it, Trump just tweeted, ‘They were asking for it.’

“Nine hundred federal judges have been arrested and are being held in the internment camp known as North Dakota.

“Trump tweeted, ‘They know why they’re there.’

“In other news, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, feeling in her own words ‘frisky’ that she helped kill the Amazon deal and 25,000 jobs for New York City, says she will lead the fight to nationalize Amazon and she will personally hand the 300 billion dollars confiscated from Amazon to those young, healthy, homeless beggars she sees on every street corner in the New York area.”

“Chuck! Chuck! Hurry, hurry! Forget Cortez. We’re stuck with her forever. That snowfall has picked up to five miles an hour.

“We take you back to our crack Storm Tracker Team 4 and now we’ll show you some of our young ambitious reporters standing in the cold, freezing their asses off while we’re all warm and toasty in our newsroom.

“As for me, I will be back tomorrow, if there is a tomorrow.”

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