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  • Writer's pictureJerry Della Femina




Let’s start with the Mafia gang war that never happened.

It started with a sad-sack police spokesman, looking like he was announcing World War III, describing the murder of Frank Cali, a reputed leader of the Gambino crime family, outside his Staten Island home last Wednesday night.

“This clearly is the beginning of a Mafia gang war,” said the dopey cop.

I was sitting watching television and I screamed, “No! No! No!”

Now I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed, but this was sheer idiocy.

To begin with, the killer showed up driving a bright blue pick-up truck.

Never … never … never … in the long rich history of the Mafia, did anyone show up in a bright blue pick-up truck to kill anyone.

Also, the killer showed up alone.

Is this a joke? It’s part of the Mafia Bible: You want to kill a Mafia leader, you need 3 … 4 … 5 killers.

When John Gotti had Paul Castellano offed in front of Sparks Steakhouse he had 8, count them, 8 killers: 4 to kill, and 4 to observe the killing.

That’s the way these things should be done.

Then, the Staten Island killer first crashed into Frank Cali’s Cadillac, which was parked in front of his house.

Wrong! What self-respecting Mafia leader drives a Cadillac these days? And what Mafia leader leaves his car parked in front of his house, where anyone can stick a bomb under the hood any night?

Unless, of course, this guy Cali was in such a good marriage that he would send his wife out every day to start the car.

Here’s another dead give-away:

Cali comes out of the house to talk to the guy who crashed his pick-up truck into his car and guess what? They talked.

Impossible. The Mafia handbook says if the guy comes out, you take out your gun and you blast away.

You don’t talk. Nobody talks in a Mafia hit. Certainly the hitter does not talk to the


So it was clear to me, and I told everyone I know, that this was not the beginning of a Mafia gang war.

Unless … unless the Mafia was so unhappy with the financial results they were getting from crime lately that they consulted with McKinsey & Company, America’s most famous management consulting firm, and McKinsey advised the Mafia to downsize the number of killers they use in rubbing out gang leaders.

And of course, in the future, to save money, the lone killer should show up in an Uber.

The day after the police talked about a so-called gang war, the New York Post had a dead Mafia chief festival.

They showed Paul Castellano dead on the street, Albert Anastasia getting his head blasted off in a barber’s chair, and my all-time favorite, mobster Carmine Galante gunned down in an Italian restaurant with his cigar still in his mouth – which was a clear violation of the no-smoking-in-restaurants law.

The killer of Frank Cali has been caught, not because of any great police work, but because the dope left his fingerprints all over Cali’s car while he was killing him. It was someone whom Cali knew, who was dating his niece, and Cali objected to him.

Not a Mafia hit. Just two dopes meet on a Staten Island street and one dope shoots the other dope. Case closed.

In the future, if the police don’t want egg on their face, they should consult with the world’s greatest authority on the Mafia, writer Nick Pileggi, the wonderful man who wrote the brilliant “Goodfellas.”

Pileggi will keep the police from stepping on their own dicks.

And now on to a real despicable crime: the bribing of schools by parents to secure their children’s admission to elite universities.

Dumber-than-dirt celebrities like Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman, along with corporate executives, investment bankers, business owners and top-tier lawyers, paid millions to college officials and college coaches to get their kids into top colleges.

I must admit, when this story broke I saw the opportunity to make some money in my declining years, and I sent this text message to my son J.T., who graduated from USC a few years ago:

“A confession. Your mother and I have been keeping this secret

for years, but we paid a million dollars to bribe people to get you

into USC. Don’t feel bad – we had to pay even more to bribe

people to get your sister Jessie into Penn. We had to pretend

that she was a great football player who would someday replace

Eli Manning as quarterback of the NY Giants. We know that some

day you both will pay us back. Love you.”

It didn’t work. All we got from our kids was a “Very funny,” which shows they learned something at school. I’m proud of them.

Now everyone wants to see the bribing parents go to jail, except me.

Their punishment should be that they have to see how their kids, living with their parents’ warped values, turn out.

Their kids, of course, will be voting for Bernie Sanders and dopey Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. They will be looking for everything to be free. They will even be more shallow, more twisted than the parents who thought they could bribe the world to buy them the future.

They, of course, will be taking a million photographs of kale, which they will instagram to each other all over world.

They face a future of having their eyes glued to their cell phone every minute of every day for the rest of their lives.

They won’t read, they won’t think.

If the 1940s brought us “the greatest generation,” the next 10 years will be bring us “the worst generation.”

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