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  • Writer's pictureJerry Della Femina


I’m an about-to-give-up-on-them Republican who voted for Biden (and Hillary) against Trump. I knew Trump was a monster. I didn’t know he was a crazy monster. If both Biden and Trump run in 2024 I’ll write in the name of Nikki Haley. The good media news is the New York Times is about to dump Biden. And the New York Post is about to drop Trump. Plus, my good friend, the brilliant Ed Kosner, just summed up Trump’s future this way. Kosner wrote: “Trump’s Big Lie has now put him in the classic fool/crook position, except that if after all the staff guidance he didn’t accept that he’d lost the election, he’s not a fool but mentally unfit for the presidency.” I say “Amen.” Everything is going downhill. In a slap in the face to every parent of a school-age child, a bipartisan group of senators announced new gun safety measures that will do absolutely nothing to avoid the next school shooting tragedy. They didn’t ban automatic rifles. They didn’t even raise the age one can buy an automatic rifle from 18 to 21. I will bet every one of those senators has a pre-written sympathy message for the dead child’s parents if the next school massacre happens in his or her state. And this mess was a bipartisan Senate deal. Let me quote the late great George Carlin: “‘Bipartisan’ usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.” I filled up my car with gas yesterday. 18 gallons came to $109. Dim Joe Biden has turned us from an energy leader into a second-rate inflation-paralyzed country that is about to beg Iran and Venezuela to pump oil for us. On his very first day in office Joe Biden shut down the Keystone XL Pipeline from Canada. When completed, the Keystone Pipeline would have added 810,000 barrels per day, increasing the total capacity up to 1.1 million barrels a day. Then Biden went to war with our energy companies. Now, of course, as gasoline prices go up, Biden is blaming Putin for our troubles. But Biden is growing dimmer and dimmer every day and soon he won’t blame Putin for our energy problems. He’ll remember that he wants to blame a Russian, but he won’t be able to pull up Putin’s name out of his cloudy mind. So, he’ll blame Stalin. SOME JOKES TO CHEER YOU UP AFTER THIS SAD COLUMN In the year 2020 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in East Hampton, Long Island, and said: “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.” He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: “You have six months to build the ark before I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.” Six months later the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – and no ark. “Noah!” he roared. “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the ark?” “Forgive me, lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. “I needed a Building Permit. I’ve been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. “My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the Neighborhood By-Laws by building the ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision. “Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shitload of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. “Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go! “When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued that the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. “Then the Long Island Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn’t build the ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. “I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building gang. Immigration is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work. The trade unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist that I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience. “To make matters worse, the Internal Revenue Department seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. “So, forgive me Lord, but it will take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark.” Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?” “No said the Lord. Your government beat me to it” ******************************************************** A handsome famer stopped by the local mechanic’s shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry all his purchases home. While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a very attractive woman who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane? My name is Mrs. Spencer.” The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.” The woman suggested, “Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Why, thank you very much,” he said, and proceeded to walk with the woman. On the way he said, “Let’s take my shortcut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.” The woman looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?” The farmer said, “Holy smokes, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?” The woman smiled and replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens. ******************************************************** Nancy was waiting at the bus stop in Brooklyn. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a Rabbi who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. Nancy went ballistic and turned to the would-be Good Samaritan and yelled, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”

The Rabbi smiled and said, “Oy, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda’ figured we were friends.”

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