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  • Writer's pictureJerry Della Femina


2020 has been a disaster for everyone.

Most of us have been hiding out at home, sleeping until noon, putting on our masks and shrinking from strangers.

At night all we have is television.

We sit like robots staring at the screen.

Every night, the same commercials run 8, 10, 20 times. After the first two times you want to scream.

On comes this little guy named Max Rose, who is bald. He’s a war hero and from the commercial he seems to be more qualified to be president than Donald Trump or Joe Biden.

One problem: Max Rose never tells us what office he’s running for. Where is he running? Is he a Republican or a Democrat? Clearly he has even more money than Hunter Biden and he’s ready to spend it for our vote, but for what office?

To top it off, every night on the same programs, often one right after the other, there is another commercial which runs 8, 10, 20 times that tells us what a phony Max Rose is and that no one should vote for him.

This is what finally gave me a clue as to what office Max Rose is running for: All the people telling me that they hate Max Rose because they claim he took part in a parade to defund the police are Italian.

How do I know? They all look like my relatives.

There’s a guy who’s a double for my Uncle Sal except he’s 150 pounds lighter than Uncle Sal. There’s a hefty woman who, except she doesn’t have a mustache, looks exactly like my Aunt Marie.

You can’t find that many Italians in one place except for Staten Island.

A Jew running against an Italian in Staten Island? Poor little Max doesn’t have a chance.

But then, after a little detective work, it turns out Rose is running against a woman named Nicole Malliotakis, a Greek.

OK, a Jew against a Greek on Staten Island, that’s a fair fight, no wonder the Italians in the commercials looked so confused.

And that explains why every night, 8, 10, 20 times on the same shows, there is a boring commercial for Nicole Malliotakis telling us what a wonderful, smart woman she is but not telling us what she is running for. And of course 8,10, 20 times a night there’s a commercial calling Nicole Malliotakis a fraud and accusing her of being a potential serial killer or something like that.

This is every night and every commercial pod is taken up by people who don’t want you to know what office they are seeking but insist on ruining your night of watching television.

There’s Jackie Gordon, a sweet-looking African American woman who comes on television 8, 10, 20 times a night to tell us of her wonderful time in the Army and how she was a military police officer and how much she loved serving in the Army. But the next commercial that runs a second later says that Jackie’s superiors in the Army wanted to throw her out of the service for breaking rules. Can you believe that? Aren’t there any rules against lying in political advertising?

Another mystery candidate is a nice-looking guy named Tom Malinowski, who takes you through his great-looking town and tells us how he loves everyone in town and if he’s elected everyone in the town will live happily ever after. But where is the town? New York? Connecticut? Toledo?

My wife, the beautiful Judy Licht, did some detective work and found out the town is somewhere in New Jersey. Why is Malinowski keeping it a secret?

My question is why won’t any of these candidates tell us in their commercials what office are they seeking? Are they Democrats or Republicans?

And where the hell are they getting all this money to advertise over and over on television and ruin my night?

One warning: Be very careful of falling for political advertising.

New York City is being destroyed because it elected a cretin/idiot for mayor named de Blasio because some foolish voters fell in love with a “cute” commercial de Blasio ran about his son’s afro.

Here are some thoughts about the presidential election:

I truly believe that if Donald Trump hadn’t acted like such a crude bully and wasn’t such an interrupting dick in the first debate, he would be a lot closer in the polls today.

I also believe that whoever wins, there will be riots in the United States.

If Trump wins, many of the people I know who are voting for Biden will retreat to Canada, start an army, take over a few New England states, and perhaps start another country.

If Biden wins, there will be a wild few days of revolt with cities burned down, and some of the Deep South states will attempt to restart the Confederacy with Donald Trump in the role of Jefferson Davis.

To all my friends I say: Vote and then stay home and stay safe.

And now here’s what I think is a bigger issue than who is elected president.

I think the government’s challenge to Twitter, Facebook and Google is a major problem.

I don’t want any politician within a mile of the internet and social media.

Want the government to take over Google?

It will run like the Post Office and you’ll wait three weeks to get an answer to a question.

Google is perfect. I don’t care how much money the people who developed Google make. They deserve it.

I don’t care what Facebook knows about me and my buying habits. What is there to hide? And if Twitter insists on hiding what some people say for political reasons, then something will come along to replace it with their own political stuff and that’s what free enterprise is all about.

I don’t want Mitch McConnell, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer or even Max Rose or Nicole Malliotakis to have control over social media, which up until now has been gloriously free.

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