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  • Jerry Della Femina

WHO KNOWS? (A Devious Fantasy Guaranteed to Scare the Pants Off of Every Democrat)


SCENE: A bar just outside Ossining, New York. There is no bartender. He has been paid to leave the room. The room is empty except for one table where two young men are being harangued by a very drunk older man wearing an obvious wig as a disguise. He is sitting at a table yelling at the two young men:


“30 million dollars.


“30 lousy million dollars.


“I gave you control of the world for 30 million dollars.


“I got rid of Hillary for you. She couldn’t lose. She was ahead by double figures. Then you paid me after all the years being your ‘mole’ and so I ran against her with my army of losers and malcontents and that killed her chances.


“I helped that crazy fat fool become president.


“Without me, you guys would be out of business.”


“But sir,” says one of the young men, “that’s what you asked for 30 million dollars. We paid you what you asked.”


“Well, it wasn’t enough.


“I’ve worked undercover for you guys since 1959 when I was at Brooklyn College.


“You never paid me enough.


“Do you know the first guy to recruit me? A flunky from the office of Alan Dulles. I thought I was joining the CIA. Instead, I was becoming a mole, an undercover operator for the Republican party.


“You paid me a lousy 200 dollars a week. I should have known then what cheap bastards you Republicans are.


“I went underground and joined the Young People’s Socialist League. I was a student for the Congress of Racial Equality. I joined the Socialist Party. I was a member of SNCC, the Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee.


“You guys decided I could serve you better if I was in politics as a Democrat. You found me a small state, Vermont, with a collection of the dumbest white people in the world.


“THERE I AM, BERNIE SAN…”


“Sir, no names. Please … no names.”


“BERNIE, King of the Goyum. That’s me.


“Want to know how I became a fake socialist? That was Newt Gingrich’s idea. He was my Republican handler at the time.


“‘Tell them you’re a socialist, Bernie’” he said. ‘Then you will control the kids and the crazies. All they’re looking for is to get whatever they can get free.’


“Newt was right. I became the king of the socialists. I promise them free medical care, free college, free everything. They’ll follow me everywhere. They’re not looking for a leader. They’re looking for Santa Claus.


“So now you’re looking for a way for me to sabotage the Democratic party again so that fat fool gets in for four more years.


“I’m your insurance.


“I want 50 million dollars. I’ve already killed that nitwit Biden and that fake Indian lady. Now you want me to cripple Bloomberg’s chances.


“So I say 50 million dollars delivered to my account in the Cayman Islands within the next eight hours and then watch me go.


“I will announce we will nationalize McDonald’s, Burger King and Chipotle so that all junk food will be free. I will announce that I’m going to nationalize Amazon and AT&T and everything on the internet will be free. Every person over 16 will receive a free cell phone with unlimited free calling.


“Daddy Bernie is going to make America the true land of the FREE.”


Then he stands up and says:


“Here’s a warning: You guys are making a big mistake if you underestimate my desire for money.


“I was always little Bernie from the Midwood section of Brooklyn.


“I vowed the day I was 16 and a student at James Madison High School that I would make millions.


“Don’t underestimate me.


“And don’t underestimate my power.”


“But Senator Sand…”


“NO NAMES! NO NAMES! CALL ME SENATOR X, YOU IDIOT.”


“Yes sir,” says the obviously shaken young man.


“I’m going now. I expect the 50 million – no, wait, make that 100 million dollars. Trust me, I’m worth it. I want 100 million Republican dollars in my account in a few hours.”


The drunken senator stands up and weaves towards the door. Then he turns and says,


“We’re not just talking about an election here.


“We’re talking about the peaceful overthrow of the United States government.


“We’re talking about the end of the Democrat party.


“We’re talking about control of the Supreme Court forever.


“We’re talking about that fat crazy guy as the last democratically elected president of the United States.


“After this, who’s going to stop him?


“I’m the only man who can make this all happen.


“I’m the only man.


“I’m the only man who can stop Bloomberg. Bloomberg can beat Trump, but he can’t beat me and Trump.


“Either I win the Democratic nomination or … if I lose, the millions of people who are now following me will sit on their hands and let Trump win. I’m talking millennials. I’m talking students, disgruntled workers, transgenders.”


He turns to the door and screams:


“GOD BLESS AMERICA!


“IT USED TO BE THE HOME OF THE BRAVE, BUT I’M GOING TO MAKE IT THE LAND OF THE FREE.”


And that’s when Senator Bernie Sanders stumbles out the door into history.



-If you wish to comment on “Jerry’s Ink” please send your message to jerry@dfjp.com

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