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  • Jerry Della Femina

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS (7/5/22)

I don’t have a single idea in my pretty little head, so this column is a few jokes and items I have seen on the internet.

And the good news is there is just one political rant and it’s not from me. Special thanks for some of this stuff goes to my good friend Dennis Holt, the world’s greatest media person…

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Hyman & Esther, married 65 years, are living together in an assisted living facility in Boynton Beach, Florida. One night, while reminiscing about their life and intimate moments together, Hymie asks Essie, “I have to know, was I your only one?” Essie, after thinking for a while, replies, “Yes, Hymie, you were my only 1, but I did have a lot of 9s and 10s.” They never spoke again.

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Miriam’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement – not even her parents’ nasty divorce.

Her mother, Bessie had found the perfect dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Miriam was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother.

Miriam asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. “Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied.

Miriam told her mother, who graciously said, “Never mind, sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.”

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Miriam asked her mother, “Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.”

Her mother just smiled and replied, “Of course I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”

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According to the American Petroleum Institute, we have enough oil in North America to fuel every single passenger car and long-haul truck for the next 430 years.

We have enough natural gas to provide electricity for every business and household for the next 535 years and enough coal to provide electricity for about 500 years.

So, don’t you think that in 430 years we will have developed alternative fuel sources?

Why then did Joe Biden sacrifice America’s energy independence, cease all exploration for oil and gas, abandon pipeline development and drive up prices of gasoline, heating oil, and jet fuel and make us once again dependent on foreign oil?

Isn’t it curious that in some states like California, Washington, Illinois and New York, shoplifting of items less than $950 is not a crime, but Biden’s Build Back Better Plan calls for hiring 87,000 IRS agents to monitor individual banking transactions of $600 or more? Fascinating.

Someone needs to educate us as to how we are going to produce all the batteries needed to facilitate a transition away from fossil fuels to battery-driven vehicles when the basic ingredients for batteries are all found in rare minerals such as lithium, cobalt, zinc and others, all of which must be mined in countries not exactly friendly to us.

When will construction start to build the 500,000 battery charging stations Joe Biden told us about? Where will they be situated? Won’t they be powered by burning fossil fuels?

If you ever feel like you haven’t accomplished anything, try to remember that it took 20 years, trillions of dollars and four presidents to replace the Taliban in Afghanistan with…the Taliban.

If you feel your job is hard and you are unappreciated, think about the poor slob who serves as the sign language interpreter for Joe Biden.

If there was a barnyard election, the cows, pigs and chickens would always vote for the person that feeds them and gives them treats, even though that same person is going to slaughter them someday.

That same philosophy is the very definition of socialism.

If you do not take an interest in the affairs of your government, then you are doomed to live under the rule of fools.

-Plato

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A Rabbi Hears Confession

A priest in a small town was called away for an emergency on a Sunday afternoon when he was about to hear confessions. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, and having no one else to assist him, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say or do.

The priest told him to come over and he’d stay with him for a little bit to show him what to do.

The rabbi dutifully came over. The rabbi and the priest were in the confessional working out the details.

A few minutes later, a woman came in and said, “Father, forgive me, for I have sinned.”

The priest asked, “What did you do?”

The woman said, “I committed adultery.”

Priest: “How many times?”

Woman: “Three times.”

Priest: “Say two Hail Marys, put five dollars in the donation box, go and sin no more.”

A few minutes later a man entered the confessional. He said, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What did you do?”

Man: “I committed adultery.”

Priest: “How many times?”

Man: “Three times.”

Priest: “Say two Hail Marys, put five dollars in the donation box, go and sin no more.”

The rabbi told the priest that he thought he understood the procedure, so the priest left.

A few minutes later another woman entered and said, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned.”

Rabbi: “What did you do?”

Woman: “I committed adultery.”

Rabbi: “How many times?”

Woman: “Once.”

Rabbi: “Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for five dollars!”

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Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden, and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%. Now get this: The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%.

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $16,400.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco cable cars are the only mobile National Monument.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.

If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.

If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. (If the statue is on the ground it is because of political reasons!)

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4: John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.

Q: Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A: Their birthplace.

Q: Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A: Obsession.

Q: What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?

A: All were invented by women.

Q: What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?

A: Honey.

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2022 WHEN...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3. You email the person who works at the desk next to you.

4. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have email addresses.

You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

6. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

7. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

8. You start tilting your head sideways to smile : )

9. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

10. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

11. You are too busy to notice there was no #5 on this list.

12. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #5 on this list.

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!

Go lick your elbow.





-If you wish to comment on “Jerry’s Ink” please send your message to jerry@dfjp.com

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