Jerry Della Femina
WOULD YOU BELIEVE PRESIDENT ANDREW CUOMO? (4/7/20)
It was bound to happen.
Since I'm a Republican who didn't and won't vote for Trump, I feel I'm best qualified to advise Democrats (and, you should pardon the expression, liberals) on this election.
Naturally I will be gentle and statesman-like with my advice. Here goes:
Democrats … liberals ... are you frigging (I was thinking of the other word that starts with “f”) nuts, pushing sweet, old, sightly daffy Joe Biden to be your presidential candidate when lean, mean Andrew Cuomo has used the coronavirus every day to win the hearts and minds of terrified shut-in Americans.
Joe Biden, hiding in his cellar like any smart 77 year old, has hardly been heard from since he took his final victory lap over Bernie Sanders a few weeks ago.
Yesterday Donald Trump said he had a wonderful 15-minute talk with Biden and got Biden's thoughts about the coronavirus.
Can you read between the lines? Trump knows that running as a wartime president he will easily beat Biden on Election Day and he now wants him as a candidate.
Joe Biden can't win.
He is the oldest 77 year old in the United States.
And then there's the gaffes.
You know that Biden is one stumbling speech away from assuring Americans that "If we all stay home and wear masks we can defeat the polio virus."
Then Biden will do his "I remember" number where he'll say, "I remember when Obama and I defeated an outbreak of whooping cough in Guatemala.
"Er … er … did I say Guatemala? Ha ha, I meant Georgia er … er … I meant Galveston. That's still in Texas, isn't it?"
Here's something you don't see every night when Cuomo is holding court on television while he is holding our hands and telling us everything will be all right, and then doing the cute, sweet, sensitive Andrew Cuomo and talking about his mother and meatballs and his brother...
The fact is Andrew Cuomo can be a killer. He may be one of the dirtiest political fighters in history.
As a young man, when he was managing his father Mario's campaign for mayor in 1977, Andrew came up with a slogan to stop Mario's opponent, the wonderful Ed Koch.
Koch was rumored to be closeted. So Andrew Cuomo's slogan, hung on posters throughout the city, was: VOTE FOR CUOMO. NOT THE HOMO.
Think about that line. It's right out of the Donald Trump playbook.
Think of all the fun we will have while Cuomo and Trump throw mud at each other.
And I believe Cuomo is the only Democrat who can beat Trump.
Believe it or not he will out-nasty him.
But enough about politics. I hope everyone reading this is wearing pajamas and is safe at home.
Let me tell you about something I do when I go out, which may save your life.
When my wife, the beautiful Judy Licht, and I are walking on the street to get some exercise (always making sure that we stay at least 6 feet from anyone who is walking near us), we often cross the street to give everyone their 6 feet of space.
Every once in a while we come across a few idiots who are walking together four, five, six across.
It's a game I call "Coronavirus Chicken": They walk directly at us. Most of the time two or three of them are on their phones.
When they get within 10 feet of us and show no sign of giving us any space, I unleash my weapon.
I COUGH. Loudly.
I keep coughing and sometimes take out a tissue and look like I can't stop the cough.
The jerks who are bearing down on us scatter. They run sideways, pushing each other to get away. Not only do they give me 6 feet, if they could they would give me 60 feet.
This is the famous Della Femina Fake Cough, which also works well when you're standing in line in a pharmacy or food market and some idiot won't give you the 6 feet required for their and your safety.
This Loud Fake Cough, which is right out of my hero Larry David's playbook, mortifies and embarrasses Judy.
I counter that what will someday be known as the famous life-saving Della Femina Fake Cough harms no one and protects everyone.
Especially the millennial idiots who think they can walk right next to every one because "Can't you see I'm on the phone? That's more important than anyone's health."
In a sense, I'm saving their lives and keeping them far away from my cough, and the distance between us can save my life, too.
Try it yourself next time someone crowds you. Watching them stumble over themselves running away can be quite satisfying.
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