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  • Writer's pictureJerry Della Femina


I have this great idea.

It stems from the fact that everyone is afraid of the coronavirus, which is ridiculous.

It’s another media disease.

In time, the coronavirus will be replaced by the media courageously covering the next hurricane or tornado or earthquake and promising us a world of destruction that never seems to happen.

Even the Chinese government has had it up to here with the coronavirus, with Chinese Foreign Ministry spokeswoman Hua Chunying saying the United States has unceasingly manufactured and spread panic.

The coronavirus is the big news on every TV station and every newspaper front page because it’s sexy. It has a sexy name. Want to know what’s not sexy? “The flu.” Yet thousands of people are catching and dying from the flu in the United States. The CDC estimates 20.4 million to 23.6 million people have gotten sick and as many as 26,700 have died from the flu this season. Flu has caused up to 302,000 people to be hospitalized. Let’s compare that with the much-feared coronavirus.

Every night the national television news shows are filled with breathless reports about a total of 341 deaths from the coronavirus in China, a country with a population of 1,427,647,786 billion.

You have a better chance of being hit on the head by a meteor than getting the coronavirus.

The only epidemic we have to worry about is an epidemic of idiots.

Google reported a 1000% increase in questions about the dangers of – are you ready – Corona beer.

Although it’s a major-league panic for a minor-league disease, more and more people are walking around wearing surgical health masks.

People are wearing surgical masks on the street, in subways, everywhere.

I say it’s time to cash in on the coronavirus.

If you can’t cash in on a deadly disease, what can you cash in on?

My idea? Advertising on the front of surgical health masks.

Just imagine: Coca-Cola buys 20 million surgical masks. They cost about 25 cents apiece.

On the front of the masks they print: DRINK COCA-COLA

Or, for our Asian friends: 喝 COCA-COLA

They give the masks out free to everyone. That’s 20 million walking billboards. That’s billions upon billions of advertising impressions.

Naturally, other advertisers will want to get in on my brilliant idea, and soon everyone will receive a health mask with advertising on the front.

I will resist putting on a health mask because of my Avenue U Brooklyn background. I fear the minute I put on a mask I will look at my covered face in the mirror and my next move will be to walk in and hold up a bank.

Of course, like with every other brilliant idea, there will be the naysayers.

First we have the politically correct idiots who have an opinion about how we should talk, what we shall eat, how we should live. They will grind their teeth, stomp their feet, faint and wring their hands, saying how tasteless this advertising idea of mine is.

The New York Times will have a front-page story headlined, “Washed-Up Ad Man’s Brainless Idea on Coronavirus Can Be Traced To Trump.”

The story will read: “Many sources, who have refused to be named, are saying Donald Trump’s failure to come to a swift close to the China trade deal may have caused the coronavirus to run through Wuhan, China.”

It will go on to say, “Chinese leaders were too occupied with Trump’s threats to financially ruin China, so they failed to stop this latest plague.”

Then, of course, there will be that old coot idiot Bernie Sanders commenting about my idea.

“The coronavirus belongs to the people,” Bernie will huff and puff.

Then he will add, “Don’t forget, the coronavirus started in a Communist country. Something of which I am personally very proud.”

The good news is all of the people who are dying from this disease in China will have nothing to worry about. Their medical bills will be completely covered in China by the socialist state.

When I’m president, no one will have to pay for a single medical bill. Any doctor who attempts to charge a poor sick person will be sent to prison. I will nationalize McDonald’s and Chipotle so that millennials will get every meal free. Plus, I promise every household with children under the age of 12 will get a free pony.

Will my idea work?

I say any country that is dumb enough to have Donald Trump, a degenerate liar, as its president, and any country that listens to and considers a worthless old failure like Bernie Sanders as a candidate to be its next president, is ripe for a brilliant idea about advertising on the front of surgical masks.

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