The world is changing too fast for me. I'm taking a break this week. This is an old column. Maybe it will make you smile. Maybe it will make you mad. I will be back to brilliantly solving the world's problems next week.
HIGH SCHOOL - 1957 VS. 2020
I'm an old person and so I can laugh and enjoy this. It was all over the internet. A friend sent it to me, and I'm not saying it's right – I'm just saying I love it. If you're a politically correct Nazi and you hate it, you can protest. You can march and picket outside my house, because marching and chanting and holding up signs and preventing people with whom you disagree from speaking is what you do, just like those good little politically correct Nazis used to do in 1933. Scenario 1: Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack. 1957 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack. 2020 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers. Scenario 2: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school. 1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies. 2020 - Police called and SWAT team arrives – they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled, even though Johnny started it. Scenario 3: Jeffrey will not be still in class; he disrupts other students. 1957 - Jeffrey sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling by the principal. He then returns to class, sits still, and does not disrupt class again. 2020 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability. Scenario 4: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt. 1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman. 2020 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist. Scenario 5: Mark gets a headache and he takes some aspirin to school. 1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with a friend who also has a headache. 2020 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons. Scenario 6: Pedro fails high school English. 1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, and goes to college. 2020 - Pedro's cause is taken up by the state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway, but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. Scenario 7: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed. 1957 - Ants die. 2020 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents and his siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Scenario 8: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him. 1957 - After a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing. 2020 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She gets three years in jail.
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