I’m on vacation and so for this week’s column I’ve turned to the jokes and quotes that people email me every day. As usual, I have no idea who posted them, and if they write me I will be glad to identify them.
ON POLITICIANS
The quickest way to end a war is to lose it.
– George Orwell
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian!
– Robert Orben
The rich require an abundant supply of the poor.
– Voltaire
Politics is made up of two words: “poli,” which is Greek for “many,” and “tics,” which are blood-sucking insects.
– Gore Vidal
In order to become the master, the politician poses as the servant.
– Charles de Gaulle
I once said cynically of a politician, “He’ll double-cross that bridge when he comes to it.”
– Oscar Levant
A society of sheep must in time beget a government of wolves.
– J.M. Cain
A lot has been said about politics, some of it complimentary, but most of it accurate.
– Eric Idle
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
– Voltaire
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high-school class is running the country.
– Kurt Vonnegut
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
– Plato
There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he doesn’t want because you think it would be good for him.
– Robert Heinlein
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.
– Oscar Ameringiner
And finally, dedicated to Bill Belichick:
Being in politics is like being a football coach: You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it’s important.
– Eugene McCarthy
THE WIZARD
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed, and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”
No one moved. The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous redhead with a voluptuous body rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke: “Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
Can I have an “Amen.”
THE IRISH
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too. I didn’t know we had a choice.”
IF YOU’RE OVER 70
Q: Why should 70-plus-year-old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 70-plus-year-olds look for eyeglasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 70-plus-year-olds when they enter antique stores?
A: “Gosh, I remember these!”
AND FINALLY
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
-If you wish to comment on “Jerry’s Ink” please send your message to jerry@dfjp.com