MY PERRY MASON MOMENT: MY BRILLIANT DEFENSE OF ONE OF THE WORST, ANDREW CUOMO (8/10/21)
“Christ, you know it ain’t easy
You know how hard it can be
The way things are going
They’re gonna crucify me.”
-The Ballad of John and Yoko
-Sung by a still-horny Andrew Cuomo
Sometimes late at night when sleep won’t come, my mind wanders and I let my imagination run wild. It’s a magical time because I’m always the hero in my fantasy/dream interludes.
Last night’s adventure was weird and wild. I imagined that I was Andrew Cuomo’s lawyer, and of course I knew he was guilty.
I mean, every male politician has jumped away from him with a sober, sanctimonious speech condemning his actions as though they had never kissed a woman in their lives or brushed their arm up and tried to touch a breast.
Then there’s the media, which is having the time of their lives, drooling at every rumor. I believed Cuomo was a dead man the minute President Joe Biden swung his swift sword and said, “I think he should resign. I understand that the state legislature may decide to impeach,” in response to a question from CNN’s Kaitlan Collins.
So there I was at 2:30 a.m., standing in front of an imaginary jury. I had to get them with my opening statement.
I knew how to get their attention. I would announce, “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. This defendant is guilty!”
My announcing the defendant is guilty brought a wave of shocked surprise and titters from the jury in my bedroom.
“Let me tell you about just four of many accusations against the defendant, and let me repeat I believe these women are all telling the truth.
“First there was Lucy Flores. Lucy Flores was kissed on the back of the head by our defendant. He gave her ‘a big slow kiss’ on the back of her head. In that moment, she wrote, she felt ‘embarrassed’ and ‘shocked.’
“Caitlyn Caruso said that when she was 19, the defendant placed his hand on her thigh and hugged her ‘just a little bit too long.’
“D.J. Hill was one of two women to come forward with allegations in the New York Times, which referred at the time to the defendant as a ‘tactile politician’ in a report published on April 2, 2019. At a 2012 at a fundraising event, Ms. Hill alleges that our defendant rested his hand on her shoulder, and then started to move it down her back, which left her feeling ‘very uncomfortable.’
“And then of course there was Alexandra Tara Reade, who told podcaster Katie Halper that the defendant sexually assaulted her. Reade reiterated her story in interviews with the New York Times the following month, telling the paper that when she dropped off a gym bag with him one day he pushed her up against a wall and started kissing her neck, before sliding his hand up her shirt and ultimately up her skirt. ‘It happened at once. He’s talking to me and his hands are everywhere and everything is happening very quickly,’ she recalled. ‘He was kissing me and he said, very low, ‘Do you want to go somewhere else?’’ Reade said the defendant penetrated her with his fingers before she was able to pull away. When she did, she says he appeared confused. ‘He looked at me kind of almost puzzled or shocked,’ she told the Times. ‘He said, ‘Come on, man, I heard you liked me.’’ Through a spokesperson, the defendant strongly denied this account.”
Now I looked at the jury and said, “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I owe you an apology. I have pretended that I was talking to you about my client Andrew Cuomo. I was not. The person that was accused of the acts committed against Lucy Flores, Caitlyn Caruso, D.J. Hill and Alexandra Tara Reade was none other than the president of the United States, Joe Biden.
“Joe Biden. How could Joe Biden, with these charges on his record, call for Andrew Cuomo to resign. That’s politics…that’s ugly politics.
“It was decided that Joe Biden had the best chance to defeat Donald Trump in 2020, and so it was best for every Democrat politician and all the media to comfort their consciences with a refreshing bout of amnesia.
“Elizabeth Warren, who had said she believed everything these women were accusing Joe Biden of doing, became as silent as a wooden Indian when she was told to shut up by the Democrat party chiefs.
“Republicans, with the image of Trump’s doxy use and Stormy Daniels’ enormous breasts dancing in their heads, decided not to comment on Joe Biden’s problems.
“I can understand why Joe Biden was given a pass and Andrew Cuomo is now being thrown to the wolves.
“Joe Biden looks like everyone’s doddering grandpa, and Andrew Cuomo looks like a dyspeptic lizard.
“Andrew Cuomo is as guilty as Joe Biden.
“Andrew Cuomo is as innocent as Joe Biden.
“Both of them have denied all allegations of sexual harassment and misconduct, including inappropriate touching and sexual advances.”
Now I played my (you should excuse the expression) “trump” card with the jury. That’s when I said:
“My client Andrew Cuomo has no desire to bring up the past in an ugly impeachment trial. With your permission, he will resign.
“But my client Andrew Cuomo will only resign if he can name his successor.
“My client only asks that he be replaced as governor by Bill de Blasio, and that in 2024 Governor de Blasio can replace Joe Biden as president of the United States.”
President Bill de Blasio. There goes New York State. There goes the country.
As I said those words, I fell into a wonderful, blissful, delicious sleep with the knowledge that my client Andrew Cuomo is Italian, and no one knows revenge better than an Italian.
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